Adoptation - Charlie Kaufman

「或是我可以去學俄語或什麼﹐或是一種樂器。我可以說中文。我可以成為一個說中文吹黑管的劇作家。那會很酷。我應該剪短頭髮。別再誤導自己和身邊所有人認為我有滿頭秀髮。多可悲。真實點。自信。難道女人不就是被這個吸引嗎﹖男子以才為貌。才怪。尤其不是現在。男人身上的壓力幾乎和女人一樣重。為什麼有人讓我覺得我應該為我的存在感到歉意﹖或許不過是腦裡的化學作用。或許我的問題就出在那裡。不好的化學。我所有的問題和焦慮都不過是化學不平衡或是突觸的某些錯誤傳導。我需要尋求幫助。但我還是很醜。什麼也改變不了這個事實。」

《蘭花賊》

What if I learned Russian or something, or took up an instrument. I could speak Chinese. I’d be the screenwriter who speaks Chinese and plays the oboe. That would be cool. I should get my hair cut short. Stop trying to fool myself and everyone else into thinking I have a full head of hair. How pathetic is that. Just be real. Confident. Isn’t that what women are attracted to? Men don’t have to be attractive. But that’s not true. Especially these days. Almost as much pressure on men as there is on women these days. Why should I be made to feel I have to apologize for my existence? Maybe it’s my brain chemistry. Maybe that’s what’s wrong with me. Bad chemistry. All my problems and anxiety can be reduced to a chemical imbalance or some kind of misfiring synapses. I need to get help for that. But I’ll still be ugly though. Nothing’s going to change that.

Sleep With Me - Hanif Kureishi

9
Charles I'm so relaxed these days I'm hardly alive.  Are you in therapy yet?
Julie Everybody talks about themselves enough as it is.
Charles That's because it's the one thing most people know anything about.

22
Julie Ah... You love the children.
Stephen Your anger is unbearable.
Julie You make me like this.  You don't let me in.
Stephen You wouldn't like what you saw.

49
Sophie That's the mistake, though - thinking you can find everything there... Families, if you don't mind me saying so, are mental hospitals.

The Body - Hanif Kureishi

3
Beside my numerous contradictions - I am, I have been told, at least three different people - I am unstable, too, lost in myself, envious, and constantly in need of reassurance.  My wife says that I have craziness, bewildering moods and "internal disappearances" I am not even aware of.  I can go into the shower as one man and emerge as another, worse, one.  My pupils enlarge, I move around obsessively, I yell and stamp my feet.  A few words of criticism and I can bear a grudge for three days at a time, convinced she is plotting against me.  None of this has diminished, despite years of self-analysis, therapy, and "writing as healing," as some of my students used to all the attempt to make art.  Nothing has cured me of myself, of the self I cling to.  If you asked me, I would probably say that my problems are myself; my life is my dilemmas.  I'd better enjoy them, then.

55
How fidelity interferes with love, at times!  What were refinement and the intellect compared to a sublime fuck?

69
It has, at least, become clear that it is our pleasure, rather than our addictions and vices, that are our greatest problems.  Pleasure can change you in an instant; it can take you anywhere.  If these gratifications were intoxicating and almost mystical in their intensity, I learned, when something stranger happened, that indulgence wasn't a full-time job and reality was a shore where dreams broke.

132
People either want eternal life or they want out right now.

149
I was a stranger on the earth, a nobody with nothing, belonging nowhere, a body alone, condemned to begin again, in the nightmare of eternal life.

Intimacy - Hanif Kureishi

Silence, like darkness, can be kind; it, too, is a language.  Couples have good reason for not speaking.

Their reluctance to go to sleep I don't understand.  For months the highlight of my day has been the anticipation of unconsciousness.

Ambition without imagination is always clumsy.

"But marriage is a battle, a terrible journey, a season in hell and a reason for living.  You need to be equipped in all areas, not just the sexual."
"Yes," I said, dully. "I know."
Oh to be equipped in all areas.

No wonder everyone wants it - as if they have known such love before and can barely remember it, yet are compelled ever after to seek it as the single thing worth living for.  Without love, most of life remains concealed.  Nothing is as fascinating as love, unfortunately.

I know love is dark work; you have to get your hands dirty.  If you hold back, nothing interesting happens.  At the same time, you have to find the right distance between people.  Too close, and they overwhelm you; too far and they abandon you.

She is of a disapproving generation of women.  She thinks she's a feminist but she's just bad-tempered.

Suddenly I had the feeling that everything was as it should be and nothing could add to this happiness or contentment.  This was all that there was, and all that could be.  The best of everything had accumulated in this moment.  It could only have been love. 

Midnight All Day - Hanif Kureishi

That Was Then

We are unerring in our choice of lovers, particularly when we require the wrong person.  There is an instinct, magnet or aerial which seeks the unsuitable.  The wrong person is, of course, right for something - to punish, bully or humiliate us, let us down, leave us for dead, or, worst of all, give us the impression that they are not inappropriate, but almost right, thus hanging us in love's limbo.  Not just anyone can do this. 

A Meeting, At Last

Eric said, "My children are going to be pretty angry with you when they find out what you've done to us."        

 "Yes," said Morgan. "Who could blame them?"

 "They're big and expensive. They eat like horses."

 "Christ."

Morgan thought he had been afraid of happiness, and kept it away; he had been afraid of other people, and had kept them away.  He was still afraid, but it was too late for that.

"What?" said Eric.

"I've decided," said Morgan.  "The answer is yes.  Yes to everything!  Now you must get out." He stopped the car.  "Out, I said!"

The Umbrella

He had always been proud of the idea that he was a good man who treated people fairly.  He did not want to impose himself.  The world would be a better place if people considered their actions.  Perhaps he had put himself on a pedestal.  "You have a high reputation - with yourself!"  a friend had said.  Everyone was entitled to some pride and vanity.  However, this whole business with his wife had stripped hi of his moral certainities.  There was no just or objective way to resolve competing claims: those of freedom - his freedom - to have his dependable presence.  but no amount of conscience or morality would make him go back.  He had not missed his wife for a moment.

"No.  No umbrella," she said.

He said, "There were three there last week."

"Maybe there were."

"Are there not still three umbrellas there?"

"Maybe there are," she said.

"Give me one."

"No."

"Sorry?"

"I'm not giving you one, " She said.  "If there were a thousand umbrellas there I would not give you one."

《夜車》 Night Train - Martin Amis

但人們的一些行為往往是在沒人知道的情況下發聲的。人們殺人﹐埋葬﹐離婚﹐結婚﹐變性﹐發瘋﹐生小孩...... 全都沒人知道。人們神不知鬼不覺地在廁所生下了三胞胎。

The Fall - Camus

I know of others who have appearance on their side and are no more faithful or sincere.  I knew a man who gave twenty years of his life to a scatterbrained woman, sacrificing everything to her, his friendships, his work, the very respectability of his life, and who one evening recognized that he had never loved her.  He had been bored, that's all, bored like most people.  Hence he had made himself out of whole cloth a life full of complication and drama.  Something must happen - and that explains most human commitments.  Something must happen, even loveless slavery, even war or death.  

Without desire, women bored me beyond all expectation, and obviously I bored them too.  No more gambling and no more theater - I was probably in the realm of truth.  But truth, cher ami, is a colossal bore.  

There are always reasons for murdering a man.  On the contrary, it is impossible to justify his living.  That's why crime always finds lawyers, and innocence only rarely.  

A person I knew used to divide human beings into three categories: those who prefer having nothing to hide rather than being obliged to lie, those who prefer lying to having nothing to hide, and finally  those who like both lying and the hidden... But what do I care?  Don't lies eventually lead to the truth?  And don't all my stories, truth or false, tend toward the same conclusion?  Don't they all have the same meaning?  So what does it matter whether they are true or false if, in both cases, they are significant of what I have been and of what I am?  Sometimes it is easier to see clearly into the liar than into the man who tells the truth.  Truth, like light, blinds.  Falsehood, on the contrary, is a beautiful twilight that enhances every object. 

勘誤表 Errata: an Examined Life - George Steiner

無論是情感、智識及專業各方面﹐我都不信任理論。只要我能力所及﹐在科學﹐或是某種程度內的應用科學裡﹐我能夠把意義和理論概念相結合。理論可以從數學或邏輯驗證中成立﹐而它們要求的是關鍵的實驗以驗證其真偽﹐如果實驗結果不符﹐理論就會被取代。但在人文學科、歷史研究及社會研究或是品評文學及藝術﹐要從「理論」著手﹐我覺得是虛偽不實的。人文學科既不須實驗﹐也無法驗證(除非是就物質的﹐紀實的層次來談)。我們對人文學科的翻譯是直覺的敘事。在語意無拘無束的活力中﹐在意義的長流裡﹐在詮釋不受限制的交互作用裡﹐唯一的命題是個人選擇、品味、回 音的相近或聽而不聞。...... 我認為當前理論在文學、歷史、社會學等論述的勝利﹐其實是自我欺騙﹔無非是因為科學站上風﹐人文學科為了背水一戰而發展出來的。

法文即使是以抒情的形式呈現﹐也是一種公共媒介(法文裡並沒有確切指示「隱私」的辭彙)。法文強調雄辯滔滔﹐到了走火入魔的地步。即使是和情色相關的文字﹐也隨處可見冠冕堂皇的修辭和華麗用典的辭藻﹔法文中的死亡也可能喋喋不休。

羅馬劇作家說﹕「只要是人性的﹐於我都無甚陌生」(Nihil alienum)。或者換一種方式說﹕有時候﹐其他人的出現哪裡比得上我自己更令自己感到陌生﹖

我相信﹐從生理局限的解放出來﹐從我們自身死亡以及個人和集體失望的外在永恆毫無出口的牆垣解放﹐靠的無非是語言。就生物社會的角色而言﹐我們確實是短命的哺乳動物﹐和其他動物一樣會絕跡。但是我們是語言動物﹐這一點天賦異秉非常重要﹐使我們短暫生命變得能夠忍受且有意義。人類言說的演化 -也許來得遲 -假設句﹐祈使句﹐反事實的條件句﹐及動詞的未來時態(並非所有語言都有時態)﹐已定義並保障了我們的人性。正是因為我們能夠述說有關十億年後的宇宙故事﹐無論是虛構的或是數字 - 宇宙論的﹐因為我們能夠﹐如前所述﹐討論、概念化自己火化之後的星期一早晨﹐因為「如果」的句子能夠隨意地去否定﹐重建﹐改變過去、現在、和未來﹐以另一種可能勾勒實際現實的決定因素﹐所以存在始終值得體驗。文法就是希望。

臨時愛情 - 哈金

那天夜裡祖明堅持要做愛﹐麗娜也願意。完事後﹐丈夫睡了過去﹐而她卻好幾個小時都睡不著﹐聽著他打呼嚕。雖然聲音不大﹐但像隻破風扇。

創世紀

應該要從另外一個世紀醒來，睜開眼，一切還是一樣。應該要跨過什麼，但跨不過去。像在諾亞方舟上說了不好笑的笑話，被扔到海裡的恐龍還是長毛象；洪水來不能沖走你，地球爆炸沒把你散成分子，要靠自己創世紀。

這不是你一直在做的事情嗎？但你寫不出來，渾身乏力。

你想移動，不知往哪裡去。你知道這無需想像力，而是動力。你對醒來見到的狀況不甘心。你需要的不是一場睡眠，是一場昏迷。早晨的地鐵裡迎面走來你的鬼魂，整裝待發、毫無血色；抹著一臉毒粉，一年吃掉一條鉛。

到最後他們都是你的敵人，站在你的相對面。你說不出謊言，誠實又不仁慈。不是你不想走，是你不知走到哪裡去。繞了這麼多次又似乎回到原點，消磨志氣。

從高處摔落的幻覺不停來喚你：想閉上眼睛，揮不去清醒。