《模範青年》阿乙

模範青年

他的長相也會輕微灼傷我們。我們會從他細嫩的皮膚、倒三角的肩背想到我們很少涉及的牛肉和牛奶。他有一管高挺的鼻子，燈光在鼻尖和唇角一塊製造出美術般神秘的陰影，使他看起來像古希臘雕塑。他既不抽煙，也不喝酒，無論怎麼撩撥，都保持一種不得罪人的微笑。我們決定以後再不找他了。

閣樓

可是，孩兒一過哺乳期，朱丹又呆滯起來。不但呆滯，還加了驚恐。有時坐著坐著，突然中蠱，摀著胸大口喘氣，額頭出許多汗。“丹丹你怎麼了？“ 朱丹卻是站起，抓過包要走。“你去幹什麼？”母親問。

“回家。”

“這不是你家嗎？”

她猛然站住。

“你這是怎麼了？”

“我快要死了，”她焦躁的說，隨即又補充：“死不了的，你看，只是突然有點不舒服。”

這症狀每隔幾日來一次，有時一日來幾次。母親盤問不出來，失了眠，便幻聽到樓上有男性腳步聲，來回走幾趟消失了。

＊

又過去兩年，風平浪靜。母親吃了往日好用強的虧，在老年生活中落了單，被一個練功團隊召去，每日傍晚大力鼓掌。一日用力過猛，頓悟，這世道原來是吃人世道，從此便難清醒。她又偏偏是無神論出身，因此能在表象上自控，一時使外人不能察覺。只是那瘋癲像肥肉，時常勾引著她心甘情願地走，一不朝前走，便如萬蟻鑽心。

生火

一團火
屋子裡的火
髒了的衣服 舊了的書 寫滿的紙頭
燒了
燉著湯鍋
跳著的兔子 情人的手
碎的剁的香料
燒
鍋裡的 鍋外的
留下的 化灰的
不要丟錯。

《鳥看見我了》阿乙

意外殺人事件

他心裡有個陰險的秘密，就是像搬運工將最後幾件貨物亂拋亂丟，小學生將最後幾個生字亂寫亂畫，他要將剩下的生命在這裡胡亂消耗掉。他拉開閘，讓烈酒燃燒內臟，濕氣像毒針一樣鑽進脊椎，他發明了這個笨拙的自殺辦法，在四十二歲駝背，咳喘，白髮蒼蒼。

巴哈

女人跟蹤到第八次時，興趣索然。她沒有跟上去，她去農業銀行排隊，大約一小時後輪到她了，她把存摺塞進去，說：今天是十五號，我想知道工資打到帳裡沒有？儲蓄員把存摺放進印表機裡，出來後顯示巴禮柯本月的退休工資一分不少地打了進來。生活就這樣了，人會變得不可思議，錢不會。

《酒徒》劉以鬯

銅鑼灣的燈。紅的。綠的。於是想起一則虛構的故事：一個潦倒的文人忽然被一個有錢的姨太太愛上了。他似乎獲得了一切，很快樂。這快樂等於肥皂泡，因為他已失去一切。香港人的快樂都是紙紮的；但是大家都願意將紙紮的愛情當作真實。上帝住在什麼地方，那被人稱作地獄的所在何以會有這麼多的笑聲？

《On the Move》Oliver Sacks

My Mother, a surgeon and anatomist, while accepting that I was too clumsy to follow in her footsteps as a surgeon, expected me at least to excel in anatomy at Oxford.  We dissected bodies and attended lectures and, a couple of years later, had to sit for a final anatomy exam.  When the results were posted, I saw that I was ranked one from bottom in the class.  I dreaded my mother's reaction and decided that, in the circumstances, a few drinks were called for.  I made my way to a favorite pub, the White Horse in Broad Street, where I drank four or five pints of hard cider - stronger than most beer and cheaper too.

Rolling out of the While Horse, liquored up, I was seized by a mad and impudent idea.  I would try to compensate for my abysmal performance in the anatomy finals by having a go at a very prestigious university price - the Theodore Williams Scholarship in Human Anatomy.  The exam had already started, but I lurched in, drunkenly bold, sat down at a vacant desk, and looked at the exam paper.

There were seven questions to be answered; I pounced on one ("Does structural differentiation imply functional differentiation?") and wrote nonstop for two hours on the subject, bringing in whatever zoological and botanical knowledge I could muster to flesh out the discussion.  Then I left, an hour before the exam ended, ignoring the other six questions.

The results were in The Times that weekend; I, Oliver Wolf Sacks, had won the prize.  Everyone was dumbfounded.

-

"Travel now by all means - if you have the time.  But travel the right way, the way I travel.  I am always reading and thinking of the history and geography of a place.  I see its people in terms of these, placed in the social framework of time and space.  Take the prairies, for example; you are wasting your time visiting these unless you know the saga of the homesteaders, the influence of law and religion at different times, the economic problems, the difficulties of communication, and the effects of successive mineral finds."

-

Those early morning rides were about feeling intensely alive, feeling the air on one's face, the wind on one's body, in a way only given to motorcycle riders.  Those morning have an almost intolerable sweetness in memory, and nostalgic images of them are instantly provoked by the smell of eucalyptus.

-

Sunday Migrant

Another patient at the headache clinic was a young mathematician who also had Sunday migraines.  He would start to get nervous and irritable on Wednesday, and this would become worse by Thursday; by Friday, he could not work.  On Saturday he felt tormented, and on Sunday he would have a terrible migraine.  But then, towards the afternoon, the migraine would melt away.  Sometimes as a migraine disappears, the person may break out in a gentle sweat or pass pints of pale urine; it is almost as if there is a catharsis at both physiological and emotional levels.  As the migraine and the tension drained out of this man, he would feel himself refreshed and renewed, calm and creative, and on Sunday evening, Monday and Tuesday he did highly original work in mathematics.  Then he would start getting irritable again.

When I gave this man medication and cured him of his migraines, I also cured him of his mathematics, disrupting this strange weekly cycle of illness and misery followed by a transcendent sort of health and creativity.

-

A large group of people have same disease, colour blind, sleeping syndrome.

-

Early in the summer of 1994, I was adopted by a stray cat.  I got back from the city one evening, and there she was, sitting sedately on my porch.  I went into the house and brought out a saucer of milk; she lapped thirstily.  Then she looked at me, a look that said, "Thanks, buddy, but I'm hungry, too."

... it was only when I had settled myself on the sofa by the window that the cat, lying parallel to me, now started to eat her supper as I ate mine.  So we ate together, in synchrony.  I found this ritual, which was to be repeated every evening, remarkable.  I think we both had a feeling of companionship - which one might expect with a dog but rarely with cat.  The cat liked to be with me; she would even, after a few days, walk down to the beach with me and sit next to me on a bench there.

-

However much the actors immerse themselves, identify, they are merely playing the part of a patient; Lillian has to be one for the rest of her life.  They can slip out of their roles, she cannot.  How does she feel about this? (How do I feel about Robin playing me? A temporary role for him, but lifelong for me.)

As Bob is wheeled i and takes up the frozen, dystonic posture of Leonard L., Lillian T., herself frozen, cocks and alert and critical eye.  How does Bob, acting frozen, feel about Lillian, scarcely a yard away, actually so?  And how does she, actually so, feel about him,, acting so?  She has just given me a wink, and a barely perceptible thumbs-up sign, meaning, "He's okay-he's got it! He really knows what it's like."

-

There were families he had treated for several generations, and he sometimes startled a young patient by saying, "Your great-grandfather had a very similar problem in 1919."  He knew the human, the inward side of his patients no less than their bodies and felt he could not treat one without the other.  (Indeed, it was often remarked that he knew the insides of his patients' refrigerators as well as the insides of their bodies.)

-

Mind map.  When brain damage can forget the link between things but the memory might still be there.  They might not answer the question but will make accurate answer when guess. (where was the president killed)

-

I had read proofs of Billy's book The Anatomist and admired it.  I wrote to him and suggested that we might meet if he found himself on the East Coast (which he did, on a visit to New York in September of 2008). I liked his thinking, which was both serious and playful, his sensitivity to the feelings of others, and his combination of forthrightness and delicacy.  It was a new experience for me to lie quietly in someone's arms and talk, or listen to music, or be silent, together.  We learned to cook and eat proper meals together; I had more or less lived on cereal up to this point, or sardines, which I would eat out of the tin, standing up, in thirty seconds.  We started to go out together - sometimes to concerts (which I favored), sometimes to art galleries (which he favored), and often to the New York Botanical Garden, which I had traipsed around, alone, for more than forty years.  And we started to travel together: to my city, London, where I introduced him to friends and family; to his city, San Francisco, where he has many friends; and to Iceland, for which we both have a passion.

We often swim together, at home or aboard.  We sometimes read our works in progress to each other, but mostly, like any other couple, we talk about what we are reading, we watch old movies on television, we watch the sunset together or share sandwich for lunch.  We have a tranquil, many-dimensional sharing of lives - a great an unexpected gift in my old age, after a lifetime of keeping at a distance.

《Power, Sex, Suicide: Mitochondria and the Meaning of Life》Nick Lane

貝德福德扁形蟲這種海扁蟲會在交配時投入精子戰爭，從牠們身上就可以看到狀況會有多棘手。牠們擁有兩條陰莖，並會利用它們來“鬥劍”，試圖將牠們德精子沾到彼此身上，同時避免讓自己受精。牠們射出的精子會將接受者的表皮燒穿一個洞，這個洞有時大到足以將失敗的接受者撕成兩半。問題在於，扁蟲都想要當雄性。按照定義，雌性必然會對後代付出較多的投資，這就表示如果個體能成功地讓其他個體受精，並避免讓自己受精，牠就能傳下較多的基因。這就等於自由地到處散播精子，但卻不必懷孕。佛洛依德說的陽具羨妒不只是心理學而已。根據比利時演化學家米契爾斯所言，通常全體物種都會採用雄性的生殖策略，也就是散播精子，因此才會出現用陽具鬥劍的扁蟲這種怪異的交配衝突。區分出不同的性別便提供了一條活路，讓生物得以脫離這個陷阱。雌性和雄性對於何時交配，跟誰交配，都有自己的想法；雄性往往會比較積極，雌性則是比較挑剔。結局是一場演化的軍武競賽，而任一性別都會影響另一方的適應性改變，防制一些較荒誕的交配策略。根據經驗法則，如果找到交配對象的機會很小時，雌雄同體的生活方式就可以順利運作，例如在密度低，或是固著不動的群組裡（這解釋了為什麼許多植物都是雌雄同體），而兩性分立則會在高密度或是機動性強的族群裡發展起來。

《遇見》劉梓潔

小芝

我終於知道，認識小芝之後，在她身上感覺到的那種不對勁是什麼。好比我去郵局被白目女插隊，去洗頭被激動妹把水沖進耳朵，我都會想，我前世踩斷過你鞋跟吧，我偷過你家水果攤上的一顆大梨吧。法國小說家韋勒貝克的《情色渡假村》裡，男主角的老爸跟北非女傭搞上了，因而被這年輕女孩的哥哥打爆頭。再次見到這女傭時，韋勒貝克寫道：「她熟識我父親的性器，這讓我們之間產生勒有點不太適當的親近。」

《The World Until Yesterday》Jared Diamond

由於國家人口龐大，大多數的人都不相識。即使是像吐瓦魯這種只有一萬人的小國，人民也不可能認識全國所有的人，至於人口多達十四億的中國更不用說了。因此，國家需要警察、法律、道德規範使境內人民不會因為陌生而經常捲入打鬥。由於在小型社會人人彼此認識，毋需設立警察、法律和道德規範對陌生人友好。

最後，一旦一個社會已發展到一萬人以上，如有重大決策，不可能把每一個人找來，讓大家坐著面對面商量，或者使人人都得以發表意見。人口數目龐大則需要領袖才能做決定，也需要管理者來執行決定，再由官僚來監督決策和法律的執行。或許有些讀者是無政府主義者，嚮往沒有國家或政府管制、自由自在的生活，然而這樣的夢是不切實際的：你必須尋找一個願意接納你的隊群或部落。由於隊群或部落裡的人都互相認識，便不需要國王、總統和官僚。

...... 關於國家，我們最熟悉的一個特徵就是不平等，以政治、經濟和社會地位而言，並非人人平等，即使是最講求平等的北歐民主政體也不例外。這也難怪，任何國家制訂法律規章的政治領導人都是少數人，絕大多數的平民只能服從。人民的經濟角色也大不相同（如農民、工友、律師、政治人物、店員等），有一些人賺的錢就是比其他人來得多，有些人的社會地位也比較高。到目前為止，已有不少人試圖消除社會不平等，如馬克斯就揭櫫共產主義的理想，提倡生產與分配皆“各盡所能，各取所需”，但這些人還是無法消弭人類社會的不平等。

在農業興起、人類社會得以大量生產糧食之前（公元前九千年左右），國家是不存在的。只有糧食大量生產，能夠餵養龐大的人口，而且人口需要一個權利核心來治理，國家才漸漸生成。人類史上第一個國家大約在公元前三千四百年左右出現在肥沃月灣，在之後的一千年，國家也陸續出現在中國、墨西哥、安地斯山區、馬達加斯加等地區。到今天，展開世界地圖，你會發現除了南極，整個地球就像拼圖一樣，由大大小小的國家組成。即使是南極，目前也有七個國家對這個冰封萬年、杳無人跡的大陸提出主權要求。

＊

Elman Service

隊群／社群 Band 大家族，幾個有親緣關係的家族（11000年）Hunter gatherer

部落 Tribe 百人。幾十個家庭，分屬氏族，互相聯姻。農夫、畜牧、或一起。或自然資源特別豐富。（13000年）

酋邦 Chiefdom 千人。經濟分工，可儲存糧食，餵養不事農工的人口。有共同的意識形態、政治和宗教認同來辨稱你我。Redistributive Economy 重分配經濟。

國家 State 萬人。人口增多、中央極權、科技和武器進步可以征服傳統社群。

＊

在第一次接觸時，新幾內亞人仔細觀察歐洲人的行為，以及他們遺留在營地的東西，找尋證據，以判定他們到底是人、是神，還是鬼。新幾內亞人發現了兩件事，終於相信那些歐洲人是人：一是他們留在營地茅坑的糞便，看起來就跟一般人的大便一樣；另一是根據獻給歐洲人洩欲的新幾內亞少女所云，歐洲男人的性器與新幾內亞男人無異，性交的方式也差不多。

Deidre Bair on Anaia Nin

[Anaïs] would set up these elaborate façades in Los Angeles and in New York, but it became so complicated that she had to create something she called the lie box. She had this absolutely enormous purse and in the purse she had two sets of checkbooks. One said Anaïs Guiler for New York and another said Anaïs Pole for Los Angeles. She had prescription bottles from California doctors and New York doctors with the two different names. And she had a collection of file cards. And she said, "I tell so many lies I have to write them down and keep them in the lie box so I can keep them straight."

《墨環》鄒靜之

讀《京劇談往錄》，許多文章中提到梅蘭芳早年眼睛近視，後來養了鴿子，每每那雙眼睛被鴿翅帶至藍天白雲。後來眼睛就好了，上台亮相，目光叩人心扉。

我想這麼好的治近視祕方，並未被人重視，不見電視廣告、報紙廣告、《衛生與生活》登出。原因或有多種：先是眼鏡公司反對，再者眼科大夫反對，眼藥廠反對，還有就是市容管理部門反對（那麼多近視都養鴿子，估計就見不到太陽了）。因有這麼多的反對，這祕方就不會流行起來。若真要一試也不必太急，先去信鴿協會諮詢一下，所有會員是否均不戴眼鏡，如確實，不妨一試，或真可變成千里眼，也未可知。

我沒有眼病，也不近視，不知是否與小時養過鴿子有關。我不是很正式的養鴿子，前後兩次都是因同院小孩的家裡不讓養，才拿到我們家來的。第一次是兩只點子，就是全身白，頭上有一黑點的那種。我把它倆裝在一木箱裡，放在陽台上，偷抓了紅豆、綠豆來餵它們。那只雄鴿總是在叫，看書上形容鴿子叫總是“咕......咕“，其實沒這麼單純，應該更複雜更粗壯些。鴿子來到生地方要先蹲房，待熟悉了四周情況才能放飛。我就讓它們在陽台上活動，走來走去，極討好地對待它們，餵水，洗澡。一星期後，去樓下放，那只母鴿在樓頂盤旋了一圈，而後落在對面的樓頂上，靜靜站立，沒有一點兒回家的意思。我急忙跑回家，拿著那只捆了翅膀的雄鴿來回晃動，想引母鴿回巢。母鴿視而不見，到了下午仍舊沒有回來的意思。我甚至連中午飯也沒吃，一直等到她回來。想來想去不知她有什麼不滿意的，竟對這個新家，這個老丈夫沒有一絲留戀。

最擔心的事兒出現了，頭頂飛來一群鴿子，有二十多只，戴著哨，像一支威武的艦隊。那只母鴿像看到來接她的儀仗般，悠悠而起，被那群鴿子三裡兩裡就帶走了。這等鴿子，竟如那水性楊花的女人一般，管自私奔了。

我終於結束了有史以來第一次失敗的放飛，我很快又接收了一對墨環。是那種渾身白、脖子有一圈黒的鴿子。這是一對小鴿子，驚恐、單薄，叫聲還是“吱...... 吱”的，很可愛。我們怕弄髒了牠的羽毛，總是戴著手套抓牠。用嘴嚼爛了綠豆，讓牠們的小嘴在我們嘴裡吃食。那種疼愛，動人極了。

鴿子大了點，拿下樓去，一放它就飛回來，再拿遠點一放，又飛回來了。每次放鴿子，都有一群小孩兒跟著，很隆重很出風頭的感覺。其實，最遠也只拿出去過一千多米，這是最不怎樣的了，可是我們還是很高興。

鴿子養了有半年後，送我鴿子的拿小孩要去陝北插隊，有天他找我說想把那兩只鴿子賣了，他缺錢（他父母被關起來了，說是特嫌）。我半天沒說什麼，誰知會賣給什麼樣的人，墨環像兩個單純的兄妹，如果賣個一個老油條，再轉賣，把牠們的翅膀都拔了，不給吃飯，用髒手抓牠們，牠們會怎麼想。

他說他要買一雙回力排球鞋，臨走送給他弟弟。他弟弟就一人在北京了，他想留點東西。還有什麼好說呢！我上樓把兩只鴿子抓了下來，用兩塊手絹把牠們綁好。那鴿子還在伸嘴往我的嘴邊搆，牠們不知道要分離了，被賣給別的人。我嚼了好多綠豆，嘴對嘴地餵給了牠們倆。我哭了，但小鴿子不知道這些。

我囑咐那夥伴，別把牠們賣給倒鴿子的，最好賣給小孩。他想讓我跟他一起去，我沒去。

鴿子說是賣給了一個跟我們差不多的孩子，賣了七塊錢。還不能給他弟買一雙鞋，我們倆又各自找了點兒牙膏皮、書什麼的，終於把錢湊夠了。

他走那天，在火車站和他弟弟哭得很傷心，使我幾天來想墨環的心，緩解了。

沒有鴿子的陽台，像一個失去了嬰兒的搖籃，空空地停著。地上偶能發現牠留下的一根羽毛，看久了會變成一只盯著你看的小紅眼鏡。我決心再也不養鴿子了，牠們太牽動人心。

過了有一個月。一天下午，有個小孩突然跑來告訴我，“樓頂上有隻鴿子，像是你的墨環。”我趕忙跑到陽台上，抬頭一看，真是我的墨環，身上很髒，疲憊地看著我。

我趕緊叫牠，牠艱難地抬起翅膀，落進我的懷裡。牠薄得像一張紙，身體不停地抖動著，翅膀上有血，牠的前胸，嗉子被汽槍打開了個洞。我忍不住了，我不知道牠是怎麼回來的，我把牠放下時，牠慢慢地走回那只木箱，靜靜地閉起眼睛。

我真怕牠會死去，馬上找來了紅藥水，針線，把脖子上的洞縫上了。然後，給牠喝了加白糖的水；用嘴嚼爛了紅豆餵牠。牠吃了幾口，然後，很累地閉上眼睛。

飛回來的這只是雄鴿，我不知那只母鴿是死是活，從雄鴿的身上我能看到，那賣鴿子的人拔過牠的翅膀，在牠逃飛後曾用槍打過牠。牠帶著傷在這個巨大的城市找了四五天，沒有吃喝，被雨水澆，在最後的時刻才找到家。

我沒有辦法再把那只小母鴿找回來，讓我們三個再去過最初的生活。雄鴿一天天好起來，有一天牠終於又叫了。牠開始單獨地飛出去，有時一上午都見不到牠的蹤影，我不能跟隨牠，我想牠可能去尋找那只小母鴿了。

轉眼，我要去北大荒，我不知怎樣來安置墨環。我不能再把牠賣了，也不願把牠送人，家裡又沒有人能養牠，我真不知道該怎麼辦好。我想把牠帶走，又一想：這一去漂泊不定，又怎能保護住一只鴿子呢？我希望墨環能找到一種牠喜歡的生活，飛走吧！去喜歡的地方別回來了。牠還是每天出去很久，然後，總要回來。

真要走了，我沒有安置牠的辦法，就買了一盆玉米粒放在陽台上，然後，打了一桶水擱在旁邊，讓牠自己生存吧。那時我父親被關著，我不能再把一只鴿子交代給原本很傷心的母親。

一去一年半，再回北京，鴿子已沒有了，那些玉米還有很多，母親說：“你走了不久，鴿子就沒再回來，牠像在到處找你。”