不知道還會不會想要再讀 Sally Rooney 的小說。不知道是不是去年的經歷改變了我，許多事情覺得不值得再費心思時間運作。其中有覺得與現在生活接近的橋段。剛失去了父親的兩兄弟嘗試用自己的方法處理傷痛。人權律師哥哥 Peter 身體裡還有一個更大的黑洞，幾年前出意外以致無法做愛的前女友 Sylvia，這一年交的漂亮卻類似性工作者的新女友 Naomi。西洋棋天才弟弟和大他一倍 - 13歲 - 的已婚女友 Margraet。Margraet 有個酒癮的類前夫。除了 Naomi 比較了解自己以外，每個人都很難面對自己一樣不停用各種方法逃避問題，各種猜測，以致誤會和衝突百出。看了是蠻累的大家不能 it is just what it is 嗎。可能要讀 Anais Nin，只有法國女作家的理直氣壯能給人力氣。其它的各種“溫馨”都會把我身體裡難得的氧氣吸走。
Margraret
Margaret is reminded of the way she felt when she first met Ivan: as if life had slipped free of its netting.
As if the netting itself had all along been an illusion, nothing real. An idea, which could not contain or describe the border-less all-enveloping reality of life. Now, in her satisfied exhaustion, with her hand resting on the white linen tablecloth, the touch of Ivan's fingertips, the candle dripping a slow thread of wax down its side, the glossy closed lid of the piano, Margaret feels that she can perceive the miraculous beauty of life itself, lived only once and then gone forever, the bloom of a perfect and impermanent flower, never to be retrieved. This is life, the experience, this is all there has ever been. To force this moment into contact with her ordinary existence only seems to reveal how constricting, how misshapen her ideas of life have been before. When the waitress returns to ask if they are enjoying the meal, Margaret does not move her hand, and neither does Ivan. Politely they both answer that the meal is very nice, while on the table the tips of his fingers brush her thumb.
2025年10月31日 星期五
《Intermezzo》Sally Rooney
Ivan to Peter
It's not one hundred percent fair, since it's not as if I made her pregnant, or have ever had the opportunity to do that with literally any woman, but whatever, m not going to make a big point out of it. And on the one occasion during his college years when this hypothetical situation arose in reality, he did give up his seat, but not with any great teeling of camaraderie; rather, with a slight teeling of awkwardness and irritation still. Now, today, or actually no, yesterday afternoon, he smiled at the pregnant woman on the tram with a very genuine smile, and she looked up at him with eyes of gratitude, saying: Thank you. Ivan perceived in himself at that moment a completely different attitude towards the whole situation. He no longer felt annoyed or imposed on; rather he was filled with kindly and even tender feelings towards the woman who was pregnant. These feelings seemed, when he thought about it, to be connected with recent developments in his own life: his new understanding of relations between women and men. How certain things can hap-pen, resulting in such situations, even unintentionally, which is something he has always understood on a literal level, but now understands with personal sympathy and compassion for all involved. This particular weakness of women, in regards to their desire for men, strikes him as beautiful, moving, worthy of deep respect and deference. And these are probably the same feelings, really more sentimental than ideological, that have also motivated Peter through the years to care so much supposedly about the oppression of women: because Peter has always at any given time had at least one girlfriend he could imagine in the role of the oppressed. It's easy, Ivan can readily see, to become upset and angry on behalf of a woman who likes going to bed with you. Such a relationship by its nature excites feelings of protectiveness and even a sort of awed reverence on the part of the man towards the woman. But on a number of other points too, Ivan thinks, his brother has long been a person of good sense. On the subject of how to deal with their mother's boyfriend Frank, for instance. Or how to tell a waiter politely that they've brought the wrong food. Ivan has even observed Peter doing this. Looking down at the plate, he will say in a friendly offhanded kind of voice: Ah, I think it was the tortellini for me. He doesn't hesitate before saying it, he just says it right out, completely normal. This is not a skill Ivan urgently needs to cultivate, considering how seldom he frequents restaurants, considering that he has almost literally no money, but he would still like to have this skill in his pocket for the rare occasions on which a waiter brings him the wrong dish, to be able to say nonchalantly: Ah, I think it was the tortellini.
The Patheticity of Human Sexuality
The arguments they started to have about politics, about women, excruciating. And now this married woman he was seeing: how had that started? She gave him the story of her life, maybe, poured out her grievances, cried on his shoulder for a bit, and one thing led to another. Having intentionally conceived of this scenario in order to disgust himself, Peter instead felt an unexpected pang of sympathy for the fictitious woman he had just invented. Imagine her crying on Ivan's shoulder, and one thing leading to another. Dear God. If that was all the solace she could gather at her time of life. Pathetic, of course, but hadn't he himself often felt pathetic, typing 'hey, any plans tonight' into an online messaging interface? Didn't human sexuality at its base always involve a pathetic sort of throbbing insecurity, awful to contemplate?
2025年5月24日 星期六
《我有一個關於不倫的，小問題》許俐葳
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所謂的第一次，我們性愛的第一次，像是預示著往後的許多次。
但往後的每一次，又像是第一次那樣，時時刻刻，等待著下一次。
一天的時間開始分為，見到查理和不見到的；又分為，氣憤於見不到t，和安學自己見不到也沒關係的。這是一種全新的時間分類法。我的眼前有很多荐子，格子之內又有格子。我離開床的下一秒就開始想他，花很長的時間優後回想在一起時的情境。直到下次見面。我在筆電裡寫下與查理有關的事。除此之外，我很難工作或認真寫點什麼。正確的說我沒辦法做任何事。只要一個人坐在那裡，打開筆電，記憶就開始滲透我，毫不禮貌地進入我的身體。
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我上網買各種衣服。長裙、香水、外套和鞋襪配件等，只要我覺得我值得的東西我都買。我天天去便利商店收包裹。不管價格，不顧一切的買。
物質有時使人安寧。
我開始變得粗魯，失去耐性，疑神疑鬼，只要一見到面，就開始倒數剩下的時間。有次還在餐廳裡，瞪了打斷我們談話的服務生一眼，只因為他問查理要不要加水。種種身而為人的美德開始消失，包括整潔、禮貌以及體貼的心。我拿出查理最討厭的刻薄來對付他，對任何事挑三揀四，批判他說出口的每一句話，質疑他不跟我一樣痛苦，就是不夠愛我。
「怎麼回事？妳講話的那副模樣跟我太太一樣。」查理有次忍不住說。
「是嗎？那你怎麼還跟她在一起？」
「我也還跟妳在一起啊。」
又有一次他說：「妳一點也不了解我。」
我沒回話。
查理繼續說：人活著需要很多東西。戀愛的快樂。旅行的快樂。購物的
快樂……還有，家庭的快樂。他看著我說，「這些都很重要。」
「家庭的快樂。你指什麼？」我問。
「我在想，妳跟家裡關係真的不是很好吧。」查理說。「才會連這種問題都要問我。」
我瞪著他。突然間，湧起一種想揍他的衝動，我想要掐死他，舉槍射殺他，把他的頭埋在枕頭底下。他看起來那麼瘦弱，而且有點年紀了。我應該下會完全後有勝算。我現在就要這麼做，把他推到地上，扯他的耳來，打得他嘴角流血，眼眶烏青站不起身，必須要掛著那張臉回家接受太太逼問。而且我能確信，他不會反擊或推開我之類的，而是乖乖坐在那邊被我揍，他就是這樣，總是由著我。想到這裡，我的心一陣翻攪，忍不住走向前，伸手抱住他的頭。我們倆都還光著身子。
「天啊，這最好是真愛。」我說。我已經不知道該拿我自己怎麼辦了。
「它最好是。不然，也太不划算了。」查理厭煩地說。
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我不再想像他們的親密行為，查理和她不必做愛，也能繼續聯繫關係，這點和我截然不同。我們如果不上床，什麼東西都不會留下來。他們年紀相仿，品味互補。在我的想像裡，查理會替她買各種生活用品，他們不必再互相餽贈禮物，而是知道哪裡缺了就買。每逢紀念日上高級餐廳。生活淡淡的圍繞在他們身邊，不是激情跟旅館小房間。他渴望被制度收編，成為一個朋友間眾口稱讚的好老公，是一項榮譽。他陪她回娘家，成為另一個家庭的好女婿，彷彿重新出生，擁有新的社會身分。返程，他們去熟悉的餐館，邊吃晚餐，邊討論要不要再買一張癌症險保單，以及，什麼時候一起去做全身健康檢查？
走在路上時我感覺，每一對夫妻都是他們。年輕夫妻是他們的過去，老年夫婦則是他們的未來。我眼睛裡只看得見他們。我世界裡的人類成雙成對，只分為是他們的，以及不是他們的。
查理總是說「我」，而我知道那是「我們」，那個我們絕不是我。
讀書時，每讀到「婚姻」或「夫妻」等相關字眼時我就跳過，避免讓自
已聯想。但這樣一直跳過跳過跳過，我根本讀不完任何東西。
一個類哲學的問答：「你什麼時候思考『婚姻』這件事思考最多次？」
「偷情的時候。」
很久之後我才跟小捲說，我覺得自己毀掉了。不是那種帶有控訴意味的毀，而是對於婚姻家庭這件事，一種想像力的毀滅。我曾經是一度決心不要婚姻的那種人呢，而不管我要或不要，它對我來說都是一種空白的嶄新的關係，它的好正是好在我一無所知，充滿新奇，有選與不選的自由，至少是一段從未走過的處女地。
但現在已經改變了，無論時間經過多久，我永遠會無可抵擋的想起他也走過這樣的路；小從戒指的品牌大到居住地的選擇，在各種細節推敲中明白他如何和另一個人經歷這些，我要做的事他都做過，我沒做過的他也做了，在那個他辛勤打造的家庭生活裡，不可能避掉。
那是我無法踏足的世界，如今我在自己的領地裡被迫倒帶觀看。我不是被他傷害，而是被他背後的整個制度和結構傷害。所謂婚姻，究竟是什麼呢—唯一可以確認的，是它絕對不只是一紙契約罷了。它是一整個巨大的系統與社會結構，任何人都難以脫逃。只要我還在這段關係裡，那些原本應該終生保護我的，都變成教更用終生去對抗的、一想起來就像有人用總潤的黑布蓋住我的頭，無法呼吸。
但制度之所以為制度，並不是要製造出來傷害誰的，而是為了安置。或許正是預言了人的不可信任，讓心無論游離到哪裡去都有一個位置可回去。
人是需要系統的，而我呢？我是這個系統裡的「誰」呢？我是一個bug嗎？
2025年3月27日 星期四
《少年來了》韓江
作者認為，雖然尚未證實影響群眾道德感的關鍵因素是什麼，但有趣的事實是，群聚的現場會產生一種特殊的道德氛圍，而且與群眾個體的個人道德水平無關。有些群眾回肆無忌憚地搶劫商店、殺人、強姦，有些群眾則會獲得個人單獨行動時難以發揮的利他性與勇氣。與其說後者的個體特別崇高，不如說是存在於人類根本的崇高性，會藉由群眾的力量展現；而前者的個體也並非特別野蠻，是存在於人類根本的野蠻，會藉著群眾的力量極大化。
那麼，我們該思考的問題是：人類究竟是什麼？為了讓人類不要成為什麼，我們又該做些什麼？
她蓋上書靜靜等待，等待著窗外的景色逐漸昏暗。
她不相信人類了。不論任何表情、真相、天花亂墜的字句，都不再令她深信不疑。她領悟到，自己只能在不斷的質疑與冰冷的提問中存活下來。
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在你死後，我沒能為你舉行葬禮，
導致我的人生成了一場葬禮。
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我每天都會看看我手上的疤，就是當初見骨的位置，用手摸摸那曾經不停滲出血水、腐爛化膿的地方。每次只要偶然看見平凡無奇的 Monami 黑色圓珠筆，就會不自覺地屏息等待，等待時間能像一灘泥濘一樣將喔洗刷殆盡；等待遇見真正的死亡，把我這份日夜縈繞在心、醜陋骯髒的死亡記憶統統抹去，然後徹底放過我、讓我解脫。
我正在奮鬥，無時無刻不在與自己奮鬥，與還活著的自己、與沒死掉的羞恥感奮鬥，與我是人類的事實奮鬥，與唯有死亡才能讓我解脫的想法奮鬥。先生呢？和我同樣都是人類的您，能給我什麼樣的答覆呢？
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