Eine Frau, eine Wohnung, ein Roman

除了一對學生情侶外﹐這裡沒有任何人。河隄上立著幾株已經凋謝、了無生氣的向日葵。我踩過蒲公英、三葉草和鳳仙花﹐打量活動的小動物。小黃蝶和白粉蝶停在野芝麻和蒲公英尚﹐紅色的小甲蟲奮力在蕁麻毛茸茸的莖桿上往上爬。翅膀呈淡藍色的蜻蜓﹐顯然被水吸引過來﹐到處飛馳著。小蠑螈也有辦法繼續讓我不去想我的問題。蠑螈在發熱的石頭上到處爬﹐接近牠們很容易。牠們張開小嘴慢慢咀嚼的樣子讓我著迷﹐在牠們的脖子上還能看出一陣跳動 --- 亮閃閃的皮膚規則地上下動著。

植物、動物和人的和平共處﹐讓我想到小學時的宗教課。有一本故事動人的書幫助我們理解上帝與天堂。這本書中有人和動物相處的漂亮插圖。我非常喜歡那些插圖﹐許多年來仍經常看這本書﹕巨獅在一家人旁邊﹐臥在草中休息﹔美麗的鹿跳了過來﹐看著年輕的女孩梳髮﹔黑豹和從容不迫的老人一起野餐﹔一頭北極熊低頭瞧著一名嬰兒﹐沒把孩子大卸八塊﹔在圖片的文字說明中表示﹐當上帝的國度降臨時﹐所有的生物才會和平共存。八歲的我雖然不知道上帝的國度﹐但我卻相信這些畫面。

我開始不時走到河岸邊﹐察看上帝的國度是否已經降臨。不過﹐每次我來這裡﹐要不是什麼都沒見到﹐便只會碰上幾個大一點的男孩﹐拿彈弓射麻雀﹐或把麥桿插進青蛙的肚子裡﹐吹爆青蛙。這並不像是和平共處﹐相反地﹐卻是我早已知道的戰爭。

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8
兩張文憑﹐沒有證書。多項職業﹐無一持長。許多能力﹐毫無技術。不能也﹐不為也﹐其實一樣。

-4
再回去補學物理化學﹐讀海洋和地球科學。其心可冕﹐有上報紙的風險。主要還是太愛紙上談兵﹐嘴上也可以﹐因為字 - 不要錢。

18
那些人到不同場景來拜訪你﹐沒有變﹐沒有長大﹐不見滄桑﹐因為本性難移﹐又沒什麼天大的事。他冷漠但你知道他愛你。他熱情但你知道他只愛自己﹐而且本質非常噁心。他沒辦法。她粗神經。她頭腦不好但耍各式手段還可以。開心的身體﹐血液裡都流巴胺。她聽不懂別人說話。他乾巴巴地全是姿態。

0.(3)
圖書館裡的少年多麼漂亮。你愛上的是司機和他西裝料子的味道。痛哭流涕也沒人會改變 (不然﹐就不用哭了)。他說的話都刻骨銘心﹐值得寫在日記上﹐誠懇不記。那褲子和肩膀多麼好。貌不驚人但惹你笑。許多不需回報的自由。善解人意的鬼魂。堅強的遮蔽物。會是個很好的老伴。不乏刺激。睡下去不用起來。見人像話。有可能抵死不退。他令你失望。


其他的。我也沒這麼聰明﹐死也沒這麼簡單。

Lady Oracle

I thought of Castro as a tiger in bed though, with those cigars and that beard, which would explain his vogue in North Americia. But Mao was my favorite, you could tell he liked to eat. I pictured him wolfing down huge Chiinese meals, with relish and no guilt, happy children climbing all over him. He was like an inflated Jolly Green Giant except yellow, he wrote poetry, he had fun. He was fat but successful and he didn't take any shit about it. The home life of Stalin was boring, too much was known about it, he was such a puritan anyway. But Mao, what a garden of delights. He encouraged jugglers and spectacles, he liked the color red and flags and parades and table tennis; he knew the people needed food and escape, not just sermons. I liked to think about him in the bathtub, all covered with soap, like an enormous cherub, beaming away and very appreciative while some adoring female - me! - scrubbed his back.