《The Last Interview》Oliver Sacks

ASHBROOK: I mean, you tell this wonderful story, I guess it all depends what frame of mind you bring to it, of Samuel Beckett in Paris with a friend of yours, and your friend saying to him, "Doesn't a day like this make you glad to be alive?" and Beckett answered...

SACKS: "I wouldn't go as far as that."

_

SACKS: I was just joining the faculty at Columbia, and I was having a sort of a... an interview. And at one point, the interviewer said to me, she said, "I have something rather private to ask you. Would you like Ms. Edgar, your assistant, to leave?" And I said, "No, she's privy to all my affairs." And I then said, thinking she was going to ask me about sex, I said, "I haven't had any sex for thirty-five years." I mean, in fact, she was going to ask me my social security number! And she burst into laughter, and she said, "Oh, you poor thing! We must do something about it."

Well, the truth is, Oliver didn't do anything about it because he didn't think he could. I mean, he had chosen Richard, lost Richard. Chosen Mel, lost Mel. What was the point, he was thinking. And then, finally, and who knows when or why these things happen to people, but a man came along who, for the first time, chose Oliver.

SACKS: I had met Billy as I meet a number of people, because I'd been sent a manuscript or a proof for a book. And, um, an intimacy grew between us. I don't think I quite realized how deep it was, but then there was a particular episode in Christmas of '09, when he came up. And in a sort of serious way he has, a serious, careful way, he said, "I have conceived a deep love for you."

《Insomniac City》Bill Haynes

12-26-09:

O, on the phone from NY, stutters to speak: "I know that I put up all kinds of restrictions. Barriers. And was reluctant to go places with you in public. I now want to say that I love you, too, and I would be happy to go anywhere with you."

I am smiling broadly on the other side of the country.

"And I, with you, young man," I tell him.

3-17-12:

O: "I don't know if a passion for symmetry is an intolerance of asymmetry. Do you?"

I: "I think one can be passionate about both. I think one can embody both."

O: "Good. Very good."

Undated Note - 2012:

O: "I sometimes think things are not enough until they are too much. There is no in between for me."

Kr

Rb

Sr

Y

Z

When I ask, he names each of them, following my finger as I go down the list. He interrupts himself at one point: "They like to be remembered and recited like this."

"They?"

O nods.

He could not look more delighted and it's no because of the alcohol.

Listed separately, under the heading, "No or infinitesimal," are the exceptions. He does on to explain the difference between organic and nonorganic chemistry. I do not - and expect I never will - understand half of what he is saying.

7-22-14:

I was standing in the kitchen last night making dinner for the two of us and a thought came to me: This is the happiest I've ever been.

I stopped myself: Is that true?

I kept doing what I was doing, making dinner, sort of testing the feeling; O was talking all the while; and I thought, Yes, yes, it is true. 

5-6-15:

At lunch, the husband of O's niece tells me how he first met Oliver, some forty years ago, at the home of his future father-in-law, O's older brother David: Nicky looked out the window, where he saw a large, bearded man lying on the grass in the garden. "What were you doing?" Nicky asked once he came indoors.

"I was wondering what it is like to be a rose," replied Oliver.

《十二女色》黃碧雲

桃花紅

趙得人立在客廳裡，抬頭是盞老舊的水晶燈，水晶已經發黃，一套褪色的仿路易十五金沙發，牆上掛著老虎皮，一支長銀劍，一副武生行頭：龍頭繡金高靴，金黃班雉尾，蟠龍雙鳳吉祥如意繡金袍甲，銀槍一支。下面擱一個二十八吋大電視機連卡拉OK音響系統，旁邊開一張麻將台，散了一地的菸灰。趙得人覺得像走進什麼精神分裂的病人的牢房；有什麼不協調的，激烈的，虛假造作的情感，正待發作；便不由得心裏發毛，跟細月說：“這屋子好冷呢。” 在客廳裡織襪子的年輕女子，冷冷的看他一眼，便去將電視的聲浪扭得挺高，電視裡正播著獅子獵殺綿羊的紀錄片，綿羊的骨頭在陽光下發亮，獅子將綿羊一直拖回窩裡去，血路在雪地裡緩緩展開，廣播員說：“快樂，幸福，充滿愛的啤啤世界。” 原來已經在賣嬰兒奶粉廣告。細月去將電視聲浪調低，對女子說：“這是你未來的姐夫。” 又對趙得人說：“不要怪她。她是細眉。” 細眉將織針刺到手心去，流了血。

*
......細月無法想像老伯有這樣憤怒的蠻力，一下一下的拍打在計算機上，顯示螢幕跳上系列無意義的數字來，好像進行什麼嚴肅的計算。細月滿嘴腥甜，和老伯撕打起來，高跟鞋一下一下的敲他的頭。待他們拉開他時，她摸一摸門牙，已經鬆了。

他們要了她一隻門牙，或許有點不好意思，便升她值，加了還不錯的薪水。宣布當日小秘書開始給她倒咖啡，叫她“經理”。原來升值也像吸毒，開始了，心裏老蠢蠢欲動。

開始了，就是登了高速賊車，不由自主的轟轟前進。在公共事業公司沒兩年，便給黑社會上市公司高薪挖角，老闆是個城中皆知的黑社會。因為是個黑社會，愛名如命，告報章毀謗的官司以打計，律師們見他便眉開眼笑。也因為是個黑社會，特別崇拜學歷，身邊的助手不是牛津劍橋便是哈佛，細月不過是倫敦商管碩士，只有當助手的助手的份兒。黑社會也不是盞省油的燈，公司業務從飲食地產到化工原料勘探石油都有，當個助理的助理也非樣樣皆通不可，害得細月晚上要上學學化工，上班前要去學德文，好跟德國的工程師打交道。做做做做做，如此十年，成了黑社會裡唯一一個不是出身於牛津劍橋哈佛的私人顧問，在半山買了兩套房子，一間自住，一間炒賣，長了白髮，而且不知何時，染上了哮喘病。為黑社會賣命六年，就得到這些。哮喘病發作時想到了死，或愛情。天天上班十二小時，下班要陪客唱卡拉 OK，吃魚翅，他們上舞廳她才可以脫身，此時她慶幸自己不是男人，不用陪嫖陪睡。然而也因此沒找到可以戀愛的對象，日對夜對，對老闆的頭號陪嫖助手生了情。她哮喘發作他送她回家，當夜便發生了性，然而午夜二時他爬起來回家。 “好男人是無論遇到什麼豔遇都會回家。” 他吻吻她說。“你應該慶幸你遇到個好男人。” 他走後她便換了床單，一直咳嗽，咳出眼淚來。她可沒告訴他這是她的第一次。

*
“我懶惰，迷信活得比較容易。”

*
細涼看著細月臉上細細的皺紋，想念她的種種委屈，只是表面看不出來，她也不會問，但她想她明白，因為她們是姐妹，許多事情，不必問，不必講，就有同情與明白。她伸手撫她臉上的細紋，道：“越來越多了。” 細月撥開她：“別攪。是不是要推銷什麼青春胎盤素，不要跟我來這一套。” 細涼笑：“何止要推銷胎盤素，還要推銷野山參去老人斑霜呢。” 細涼挽住了身邊的細眉，說：“一場姐妹。真是一件奇妙的事。” 再抱住了細月：“你且當我喝醉了。”

這樣溫暖動人，她錯以為幸福。生存感覺，何等虛幻。有這麼一時一刻，她無法分辨什麼是真，什麼是幻。

*
這一年細細升上中學，理科成績特別好：她看不起所有與感情有關的事物，譬如愛，譬如文學。李紅和細青走後周秋梨登時沒有了靠山，沒有收入又沒有照顧，便將房子拿去抵押，拿一點錢度日。細細身世襤褸，穿一條過短的校服裙，一雙襪子穿完洗洗完穿，經常還未乾透便得穿上腳，沒腕錶，老問人：“現在幾點了。幾刻了。” 也就成了她一天會說的話。晚上和老夫吃極鹹極鹹的小菜：“鹹便少吃些。” 周秋梨說。一碟小鹹魚可以吃五天，好像在五十年代，吃得細細臉如菜色，神情又冷靜，益發像小尼姑。周秋梨時好時壞，沒病的時候就問她：“大姐有沒有來看你。” 心絞痛的時候便怨天怨地：“女人都是賤貨。” 將全屋可摔之物摔過稀爛。細細也學會了泰山崩於前而色不變，老是目無表情的將一屋碎片收拾，給周秋梨吃藥，然後回房間計算幾何三角。

十二女色 岸芷汀蘭

這麼一個微涼的晚上，不大冷也不大熱，不像冬天，也不像夏天，月是陰灰的，不亮也不黑，岸芷夜歸。在家門等她回來的是三個男子連三把牛肉刀。男子用刀擱在她的頭上：要錢定要命。要命的話，開門。岸芷慌亂中答她心裏所想的：我不知道我要錢還是要命。這是觀點與角度的問題。

岸芷這樣的人應該死於非命。但世界不是這樣的。她沒事，在拉扯沈吟間，鄰居報了警。

活得最久的就是像岸芷這樣的人。像皇帝企鵝一樣，她什麼都不是，為此可以非常驕傲。