他總不可能罵我妓女。

他抓著頭髮將她扯到地上﹐開始用腳踢她。一下﹐兩下﹐她甚至沒有捲起身子﹐她只是側躺在那裡﹐像一條表情器官都在同一面的魚。然後他突然走開了﹐她迅速的站起來﹐半跑著追上他﹐一邊把身上塵土拍到地上。

有人問她﹐她就笑﹕他要罵我什麼呢﹖就像我不可能罵他是狗娘養的。他總不可能罵我妓女。一個婊子的兒子﹐嘴巴只能老實了。

她笑的比誰都響亮﹐提著手上的繩子﹐走了。繩子上綁著她每天要吃的那條鱸魚﹐薑絲蔥絲切的細細。她吃最好的部份﹐工作回家的兒子就吃剩下的魚頭魚尾﹐還是碎的。她不相信犧牲自己那套﹐從沒人看過她哭。孩子生完就放在床底下的鞋盒﹐連多看一眼都懶得。

老天對我太好了。她說。每一個人都是她的情人。他們都愛她﹐用身體﹐用錢。我比誰過得都好。語氣裡沒半點驕傲。

Guatemala Sing a Song

你可以唱歌。

唱歌﹖

對。

怎麼唱﹖

把嘴巴張開﹐用脖子壓住喉嚨﹐然後向裡面吸氣。

他試了一下﹐不太了解怎麼「用脖子壓住喉嚨」﹐於是她教他先用手掐著﹐然後﹐用張開的嘴巴吸氣。

他成功發出咯啦咯啦的聲音﹐但無法阻止眼睛向上吊。

他放開手﹐咳了兩聲。「這好像著魔。」

第一次被打﹐他也是這樣說不出話來。剛開始誰沒也發現。過了要一個月﹐某個熱的發癢的日子﹐爸爸和哥哥都去了其他城市﹐母親一句話也沒說﹐過來就拖著他的手出門。倆母子一語不發的穿越市集﹐穿過花攤﹐菜攤﹐肉販然後踩過肉販後面一整灘的血﹐穿過牛棚﹐裡頭幾只瘦牛一邊看著肉販宰雞宰豬宰牛一邊使勁吃著面前沾了血的糧草﹐都是誰家沒辦法了拖出來典當的。牛眼沒有眼白﹐沒有快樂﹐沒有怨恨﹐也沒有驚奇或恐懼。牠們瘦到連淚都流不下來。母親一直走著﹐毫不理會肉販傳來的淫聲穢語。後面的小街一個人也沒有﹐陰暗的像太陽頓時下了山﹐而剛剛還是中午。他看著地上乾涸的血腳印﹐他們似乎就跟著這些腳印向前走。

那泥屋沒有門﹐母親二話不說掀開遮掩的紅布﹐他看見裡面地上幾乎裸體的少女﹐吊著眼睛﹐吐著白沫。母親還沒開口﹐他便因為太過驚奇而冒出了一聲﹕媽。

他們回去時走的慢多了。肉販子甚至因為他的緣故塞給母親一串剛拉出來的熱腸。母親一手牽著他﹐一手拿著那還在滴血的白物﹐張著牛一樣毫無情緒的眼睛走回家。母親很少說話﹐卻沒有人想要拖著她的手去收驚。她的說話﹐是廚房裡生火的闢啪聲﹐鍋鏟的喳喳聲﹐和盤子放在桌上篤定的一聲〝咚〞。

他想起是因為剛剛喉頭發出的聲音﹐和那時躺在地上的少女一模一樣。

她像沒有聽到他剛剛的話﹐起來拿了一杯水給他。

把嘴巴張開。

他一口喝完﹐覺得舒服多了。張開嘴巴。

現在﹐用嘴把空氣吐出來。

他照做了。

經過喉嚨。

這次他不用手﹐把脖子皺起來﹐像試著用下巴頂住脖子﹐然後吐氣。自動抵著下門牙的舌頭很重﹐但似乎是發出一些聲音了。

好像嘔吐。他說。但是比著魔好。

她很滿意﹐說﹐就是這樣。

這就是唱歌﹖

這就是唱歌。

背

她看著他巨大的背﹐想像他在月光下逐漸透明﹐又想像他像一塊剛凝固的液體﹐伸出指頭去碰就會凹出一個洞來。

她覺得她會失去他﹐就這麼容易。像液體蒸發﹐像愛那些素不相識的人然後橫當從未相識。她只能看著它發生。就算她努力怎麼也不動。她緊繃著身體閉上眼睛數數兒以便自己去想她會期待 如果她期待 睜開眼睛看到什麼。

She watch his broad back, imagine it to go blur in the moonlight, imagine him as some liquid that just starts to form, if she use her finger a hole would be drilled.

She know she will lose him, just like that. Evaporate. Like one put out so much to love those strangers then treat them as strangers later. She can only watch it happen. Even she hold herself to be perfectly still. She tightens and close her eyes to count so that she won't think about what she hopes to see if she hopes at all when she open her eyes.

o

最駭人的﹐是那些人人都知道﹐卻不說出口的部份。

Hemingway

: You know I like you less and less the more I know you.
Madame, it is always a mistake to know an author.

在戰爭裡我們不爭辯 - 死亡 - 會自然解決問題。

Faithless (2000)

like a pair of incest sibilings
lovers in the desert


but it's hard to talk about love
that jungle of impulses
that attacks of vertigo
growing like cancer
finally becoming impenetrated

Hi, Sofie

為了新名字，你必須
認識全新的朋友 并且
絕不嘗試與他們拉關系
用你所不熟悉的語言
講話盡量簡短

用新的輸入法
把自己釘上墻

Death in the Afternoon - Hemingway

There is no sure sign by which bravery may be determined although there are many indications of probable cowardice. 32

In the early days of bullfighting bulls were allowed to be fought which had been in the right before and so many men were killed in the bull ring that on 20th November 1567, Pope Pius the Fifth issued a Papal edict excommunicating all Christian princes who should permit bull-fights in their countries and denying Christian burial to any person killed in the bull ring. The Church only agreed to tolerate bullfighting, which continued steadily in Spain in spite of the edict, when it was agreed that the bulls should only appear once in the ring. 27

How to be Good

And I do, until tea time. And after tea, we play Junior Scrabble. We are the ideal nuclear family. We eat together, we play improving board games instead of watching television, we smile a lot. I fear that at any moment I may kill somebody.

I thought it would makes me happy, but it's quite depressed. as all truth is.

那就讓你感覺好像一片在洗碗槽裡旋轉的菜葉直到你終於被沖進深不見底的不知處。


"Hey dear, is that a camera that you're holding? if so, shoot me."

La Connaisseur

Simone de Beauvoir, Beloved Chicago Man, 1998
Leonard Cohen, Book of Longing, 2006
Marguerite Duras, Wartime Notebooks, 2008
Ernest Hemingway, Death in the Afternoon, 1932
Nick Hornby, How to be good, 2001
James Joyce, A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man, 1916

你不想相信風水﹐但街上總會有一家店生意不好﹐數年內轉手多人。有時候你會進去冒險﹐不太差的話就再去支持。再拜訪時﹐早就無聲無息的搬空了。

那比頭大的 Challah Roll 行徑難以追蹤。"Consistency." 昨夜 Golden Ramsey 嘗試向身邊的 Juliette Binoche 解釋﹐"Consistent supply is important for restaurants." 對超級市場應該也一樣。但既然它是猶太麵包﹐對"大移居 (Diaspora) “的字根來源不能苛求太多。

為了 Sylvia Beach 的書店開始讀她朋友的書。這中間人做的顯然委屈﹐一本書讀來像歡樂家族﹐最後幾十頁忍不住吐出尤里西斯的版權爭議種種﹔意思是風險要她負責﹐但錢是揮金如 土的他要賺。面對自認為藝術而活的對象﹐最好自比聖人才無怨無悔。混帳也能寫出好書﹐只是要忍受無聊當有趣的幽默感﹔但他們都過世了﹐你沒有認識本人的風險。

專家。賣猶太麵包的店想來點異國風情。總之 Challah Roll 多了一個供應處﹐可以稍微放心。他狐疑你買猶太慶典麵包做什﹐但從善如流的把最後一個巨大麵包賣給了你 - you infidel - 放在腿上像買了一條狗。