嶺阿姨

我想我一直都知道嶺阿姨有多麼不一樣。只有要她出現的場合﹐她就有能力把它變得像某部魔幻寫實小說的一章﹐以致我長大後真正讀到魔幻寫實的小說時﹐總覺得她在我背後呵呵地笑。

我所不能明白的是﹐母親為什麼能一直容忍嶺阿姨這樣的人物出現在我們身邊。我甚至無法想像她們倆那從高中就開始的情誼是如何成型﹐又如何維持。如果嶺阿姨是魔幻寫實的化身﹐母親便是蘇聯全體小說裡的一章﹕緊抿嘴唇把每件事做好。不如意時認為是金色洋蔥頂裡載裝的那位神的懲罰。

嶺阿姨的處世路線從我十歲生日可以略知一二。在烤肉和切蛋糕中間﹐就有她三點全露地走過來﹐微笑地和我們打招呼﹐徑直走入秋日湖水裡去﹐水妖一樣地來來回回游了幾次﹐再套上父親一早丟在岸邊那件恤衫﹐過來和我們唱歌吹燭。一同一向﹐若有誰不自在﹐也不會是她。

我想過所有她和母親同時出現的理由﹕莫非我是嶺阿姨的孩子﹐由不孕的母親向她求來﹖莫非父親本來是嶺阿姨的男子﹐在人生某時被母親搶了過來﹖莫非她知道母親永不言語的秘密﹐以此要脅母親以友情做為交換﹖嶺阿姨其實一直深深愛著母親﹖

這些老套的理由只要認真看看嶺阿姨就知道不可能發生 - 看看父母和我一式一樣的扁面孔吧 - 有關血緣或愛情這種充滿陰謀的想像只會是我一廂情願的期待﹐愛上父母親更是只有他們彼此辦得成的事。經過多年﹐我想不出任何理由讓她出現在我們的生活﹐我們平凡無奇平鋪直敘的生活。或許這才是嶺阿姨人生中最魔幻的部份﹕一個反覆出現的正常家庭。

513

She have a
3 digit number
on her hand.
It's a tatoo,
she said. It's
the only man
I've loved. The
first night we
met, he wrote
his room number
on my hand,
then I never
see him again.

Way it is

When they talks about me - to me - it sounds like I'm dead already.

"That's just the way it is." They said. "This is the life you chose."

They enjoy my misery. Can't wait for me to become one of them, to submit myself into the excuses they always gave me: they have no choice, and life is just a series of misunderstanding that can't be correct.

I traced back to see where it gone wrong. It's like a joke. I told it so well that they end up thinking it's real. Once you have no fight left in you, they take you apart and left you an empty shell.

Waited

She waited two years
to get a divorce
just to recover from
her wedding.

人生戴在頭上

他們把人生戴在頭上
以它為榮或為恥

他們搶奪羽毛
有時候從鳥類身上
有時候從獸類身上
有些時候
從別人的帽子上

他們把頭抬的很高
讓帽沿的陰影蓋在別人臉上
他們把頭垂的很低
好讓別人細看 窮愴或豪華

我把帽子脫下來就走了。把帽子脫下來就走了。

他們把人生戴在頭上
像一頂摘不下來的帽子
他們不願意將它摘下
無論看不看的到它。

代價

她不知道自己從何而來﹐為何而來。但她可以往前面走。前面有一整片草原﹐一整片山脊﹐森林。她堅信人不會活不下去。她還有一個靈魂﹐一個身體。出賣至少有一個價錢﹐買賣裡沒有對錯﹐只有份量。

她嫌她賤﹐她搞不懂。她伸手過來扯她衣服﹐趕她出門。她要她坐在鐵門外面的水泥階梯上等她開門。她深信自己教導的好﹐抱怨她沒成為一個淑女都是因為他﹔她沒興趣那些頭銜﹐要她自己保留貞節牌坊。

演一場無償的戲﹐還有人過來批評演出不合心意。誰都虧欠了誰﹐總在還債和討債。都活給誰看。給誰看。

他在路上大罵她家在哪裡都不知道。我真的不知道。她說。面前這個對她大叫的中年男人是誰﹖他們過來說﹕他是你父親。是麼﹖她看著他想。她想不起來。

Persona (1966)

"A limitless, never satisfied, never renewed, unbearable curiosity drives me forward, it never leaves me in peace."


Don't you think I understand? the hopeless dream of being. Not seeming, but being. Consious at every moment. Vigilant. At the same time the chasm between what you are to others and to yourself. The feeling of vertigo and the constant desire to at last be exposed. To be seen through, cut down, perhaps even annihilated. Every tone of voice a lie, every gesture a falsehood, every smile a grimace. Commit suicide? oh no. that's ugly, you don't do that. But you can be immobile, you can fall silent. Then at least you don't lie. You can close yourself in, shut yourself off. Then you don't have to play roles, show any faces or make false gestures. You think... But you see, reality is bloody-mided. Your hideout isn't watertight. Life seeps in everything. You're force to react. No one asks if it's real or unreal, if you're true or false. It's only in the teathre the question carries weight. Hardly even there. I understand you, Elizabet, that you're immobile and silent. That you've placed this loack of will into a fantastic system.

我了解你。她說。我甚至以此尊重你。

你可以演出這個角色﹐直到你倦膩了它為止。

黑色之書 - Pamuk

373

我永遠無法說服你為什麼我相信一個沒有英雄的世界。我永遠無法說服你為什麼那些創作出英雄的可悲作家們自己不是英雄。我永遠無法說服你雜誌裡你所見到的照 片是屬於另一個人種。我永遠無法說服你你必須要滿足於一個平凡的生活。我永遠無法說服你在那平凡的生活之中﹐我必須擁有一個位置。

258

來到阿塔圖克橋頭時﹐卡利普心裡想著﹕從現在開始﹐我只要觀察人臉就好。橋上往來的臉孔時而閃現一星光采﹐在他心中暮然凸顯﹐像是翻譯的圖文小說中放大的問號﹔接著﹐隨著問題的淡去﹐臉孔也只留下一抹隱約的痕跡。即使他就快要得出結論﹐找出橋上所見的城市景象和臉孔在心中積累的意義之間有何關聯﹐但那終究是誤會一場。雖然從市民的臉孔上﹐有可能察覺出城市的古老﹐它的不幸﹐它失落的繁華﹐以及它的憂傷悲苦﹐膽那並不象徵著什麼精心設計的秘密﹐而是一種集體的挫敗﹐歷史和陰謀。

Letter Unknown

我遇見極大的精神困擾﹐想著想著就嘔吐起來。我對無理感到噁心﹐對索討感到噁心 - 我不知道還有什麼可給你的。把腸子的一端放在別人那裡﹐他就擱在門檻上﹐誰來都踩一腳。誰來都看著礙眼。

有一個寫信的對象﹐if you can take me seriously. 我浪費了太多太多時間在幻覺上﹐但是幻覺還是好過別的﹐別的我目前所能想到的。

她寫過。我在這裡﹐聽外面的腳步聲﹐看外面的大鐘旋轉分針﹐白底黑字﹐差幾分六點。我可以一直等下去﹐壓抑期待的狂喜﹐直起身子﹐托起背脊﹐睜開眼睛。讓笑容從嘴邊溢出來。時針永遠都不會到。那樣很好。我聽著腳步聲﹐知道他在那裡等待﹐這樣就夠了。想得到卻知道得不到就夠了。說你在鋪大雪的夜裡心底想著我就夠了。一夜棉絮。那黃色路燈照在身上﹐我踩著自己影子﹐往上看有銀色的細線成千成億掛下來慶祝就夠了。永遠不要回來﹐不要走到﹐不要打開門﹐像兔子踩進陷阱﹐不要從你的鏡子裡看見自己。

演完那場戲我們都很開心。因為幻覺。幻覺我們在那裡齊心一意﹐而不是各懷鬼胎。幻覺我們真讓那意義成型。然後他們在那裡接手機﹐尷尬﹐排座位﹐看我們是否姿勢標準﹐擔心自己聲音。也或許我們開心這演出得好﹐許多人說挺好。比別人都好。你還覺得開心驕傲。

她說你別這麼想﹐走自己的路。然後對你說你們是一體﹐你不這麼認為。如是如此那你就是這身體裡的病變﹐你想往別的地方去﹐一個人在那裡吹風走路﹐誰都不虧欠誰﹐都不必聞問﹐拿老虎鉗來拴你。那地板上一扇門一條階梯來接你走到井底去。

Tired

她對發生在她身邊的事不太在乎﹐儘管對他人來說那些事情發生在她身上。他們總會過來索取那些他們自認需要的部份。世界上大部份的事情都無可奈何﹐她無法認同﹐於是忍耐。忍耐便是容許被侮辱。她會說“這不是我要的”或是“不”。但他們總會堅持。於是她接受因為不想解釋。她痛恨積欠。而且她累了。

那樣就那樣吧。這樣就這樣。她要爭取﹐就招人恨。她覺得麻煩。每次解釋都像擰自己脖子﹐他們則準備好來吐口水。她為要避免歉意﹐便對自己犯罪。那是她自己的﹐比較乾脆。

她永遠都不會原諒她們。

She does not really care about things happening around her, even most of people would say they are what's happening "to" her. She would have an idea, then everyone wants a piece of it. They want to put things right in their way, like it have everything to do with them. Most of things are repulsive, she cannot agree with them, but she can take. Humiliation. She would say "It's not what I want," or "No." But they insists. So she takes to save the trouble to explain. She hates to be in debt. And she is tired.

So that is that. These are these. If she fights for it she get despised. It's troublesome. Everytime she explains she feels like choking herself, while they are standing by ready to spit on her. She doesn't want to feel sorry, so she is sinful to herself. At least she knows what happens, and everybody else goes home happy.

She will never forgive nor forget.

the Godfather (1990)

Finance is a gun,
Politics is to know when to pull the trigger.

If I may, dear Father, I want to make a confession. While they slide through those hard, cold marble floor, looking all pure and clean.

If I may, Father, I want to believe they do have something that would redeem me, that I can repent, that I can be free of my conscience. So that sin is not the only thing I'm certain in my faith.

- There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love. -

Blessed are the people that knows no sin.

Evangelist

我想為他們的人生帶來不幸﹐將不幸巨大地灑落在他們之中﹐我想讓他們身處巨大恐懼當中﹐再讓那恐懼一一成真。我想聽見心一路往下沉的聲音﹐握碎拳頭的衝動。我想讓他們失望像橫在公路上的一頭鹿。我想讓他們撕裂衣裳﹐暴曝在人前撕扯頭髮﹐用全身身體裡的力氣大喊﹕天啊!

那麼﹐他們或許會感受到靈魂的存在。或許在巨大苦難中能朦朧的意識到什麼。”什麼“出現﹐”什麼“被碰撞﹐”什麼“從身上生出﹐的”什麼“。

On the way to 26

大塊大塊的雲
對峙著黑色和白色的雲。

牛像綠茶冰淇淋上的碎核果仁一樣撒在草地上。

*

我抬起頭﹐正對著她的臉。

我仍然深深記得那時的感覺 - 像夏日將臉貼在瓜上 - 透心的﹐令人感動的發抖的涼氣﹐在地獄一樣的夏日﹐我的心頓時安靜下來。而我那時還不知道﹐那叫做美。

我時常那樣倒在自己的嘔吐物裡﹐仰著臉看著天上的雲。我一直睜著眼睛﹐直到用盡所有力氣才閉上。

Curry day

There are seven sauces. Sour Cream, Green Pesto, Chopped Tomato, Curry, Soy, Teriyaki, Peppercorn. He goes shopping twice a week. Usually Tuesday and Friday. He bought four kinds of fruit, four kinds of vegetable, four kinds of meat, a canton of milk and a pack of bread for the morning. He eats the fruit in the afternoon. He takes out one kind vegetable and one kind of meat, cook them together, then add the sauce of that day. and that is that.

Sour Cream is Monday, Green Pesto for Tuesday, so on and so on. He feels wonderful with the soy sauce day, which is Friday. A bit lost with those peppercorn Sunday nights. He feels the mood of celebration with Teriyaki, forecast happiness with Curry. They came with their colour too. White Monday, green Tuesday, red Wedensday, yellow, black, brown, baige. 365 days of 52 turn, nothing changed for three years.

He read on his way to the office. Read after work. He arrives 2 hours earlier than his colleague, read news and feel empty. He paints in his notebook after lunch, sometimes he sleeps instead of paint. He got home around 10 o'clock, when the traffic passes. He watch a hour of TV. Then turn it off a hour before sleep. He had his TV on when he is eating, so he won't feel alone.

Love in the Afternoon (1972)

: we have nothing to say.
we'll drink in silence.

I know, but it is all meaningless, with no offices, things would go on.
they create nothing but words and paperwork.
what's so creative in serving a drink?
I give pleasure.

how good would it be to have some conversation in such stairway? it maybe better than kiss. I'm afraid I wouldn't get a chance to do it ever. You only have one life, how dreadful.