《The Discomfort of Evening》Marieke Lucas Rijneveld

長子溜冰意外死亡後，荷蘭農場的一家人用各自的方法崩潰的故事。母親幾乎絕食，父親將一切吞下肚裡，二哥變成虐待狂，小妹算面對的最好，父母是虔誠教徒，三個小孩是在農場長大，終究要面對自己逐日發育的身體的慾望。作者主觀從十歲到十二歲，躲在從來不脫的外套裡，把自己當作未來的目的地，不將圖釘釘進地圖而是釘進自己肚子裡。現年28歲的作者說，“我父母不敢讀我的書，他們分不出那些是虛構那些是真實。” 書中不時有青少年自發的性愛遊戲和虐待動物的細節，是童稚筆觸才能自然流露的殘忍。作者19歲決定自己是中性，第一本著作的場景在家庭，學校的恐怖還沒開始。

'Just push,' Dad said. He came over and handed me a used tissue. His eyes were hard. I wasn't used to this expression on him, even though I knew he hated waiting because then he had to stand still for too long, which made him dwell on things, and then he smoked more. No one in the village liked to dwell: the crops might wither, and we only knew about the harvest that came from the land, not about things that grew inside ourselves.

I've discovered that there are two ways of losing your belief: some people lose God when they find themselves; some people lose God when they lose themselves. I think I'll belong to that second group. 

*

The teacher once stuck a pin in the world map on the wall at the back of the classroom. Belle wanted to go to Canada because her uncle lives there. It's good, the teacher said, to dream about places you'd like to visit one day. I pull up my coat and shirt until my navel is bare. Hanna's the only one with a sticking-out belly button - a pale bobble like a new born mouse that is still blind and curled up, the way we sometimes find them under the tarpaulin in the mound of silage grass. 

'One day I'd lie to go to myself,' I say quietly, pushing the pin into the soft flesh of my navel. I bite my lip so as not to make a sound, and a trickle of blood runs down to the elastic of my pants and soaks into the fabric. I daren't take out the pin, afraid blood will gush out everywhere, and everyone in the house will know that I don't want to go to God but to myself.