92
我寧願記得一些小小時間片刻﹐一些我想起來幾乎微笑的小小小小事﹐仿彿那些細微不足道的小小小小事情當時發出的光澤與令人心顫的微笑震動﹐至今還留在我眼睛裡頭﹐還存在我皮膚細胞隙縫。那些嗡嗡作響蜂鳴般的磁力的剎那。
94
我對眼前的障礙與事實的局限視若無睹﹐其實不是因為我具備無畏的勇氣能夠挑戰既定的價值和眼光﹐實情是﹐我根本不懂規矩與合宜究竟是什麼﹐我有情緒反應的延遲模式﹐我以為每一種愛到最後都可以變成為美好的愛﹐我之所以看起了勇氣十足總是向前﹐是因為我眼中界限總是消融於彼此以及自我欺瞞。
123
我看著他那樣寂寞想找人說話﹐便決定我以後千萬不要變得同樣難堪。這世界上沒有人真的喜歡聽其他人的回憶﹐沒有人真的在意其他人的過去﹐沒有人真的珍惜別人的感覺。這世界的現實是這樣的﹐人們在關係中若提到過去﹐往往是拿過去作為現在某種交換的籌碼。
我想像著他此刻半閉上眼睛。他說﹐人生其實沒有什麼是需要跟人家談的﹐一點也沒有﹐我告訴自己要把嘴巴閉上﹐沉默可以帶來尊嚴。
152
溫柔不代表軟弱﹐殘忍不是粗暴。那些人們誤以為大器的男人﹐常常只是粗暴﹐粗暴不一定精準﹐畢竟不是殘忍﹐殘忍一定要精準。
220
那些看起來純真﹐沒有性威脅﹐善體人意的﹐其實多半是包裹著少女外表的成熟女性﹐她們清清楚楚知道世界﹐現實的結構﹐因此可以純熟操作男女政治不著痕跡﹐才能談場愛戀仍舊風度優雅﹐全身而退。真正的少女們總是壞事﹐因為她們想要一份徹底的愛。然而這世界存活下來的男獸﹐身與心早已沒有餘裕﹐愛的把戲十足﹐愛的力氣不足。
但你怎麼能夠苛責少女﹖少女不正是如此嗎﹖只有強烈的對愛之憧憬﹐才生出想要改變世界的力量﹐可以與宇宙為敵﹐正是少女的力量之所在。
傷過心的少女們﹐自此永遠生活在現實與夢幻的交叉點... 恍恍於人間渡過悠悠時日。
少女的時間感與一般人不同。少女常常固在人生的某一時間點﹐並且只活在裡頭。能力強些的少女﹐則常將青春美境與黯淡現實交混一起過日。
......
有個少女住在心裡的感受﹐其實相當驚悚﹐疼痛。面對人生的挫敗﹐你常常怪起她來﹐這個寄局在你身體裡頭不切實際的小女孩﹐正是搞砸你人生的罪魁禍首。
少女讓你在人生中躊躇不前﹐少女讓你一再跌跤﹐少女不肯讓你變老。幾次你都下定決心殺了少女﹐自此當一個大人了。但是﹐就在你準備好要變老的關口﹐少女哭喊淒厲如同女鬼﹐一再跳出來阻止你的人生進程。
...
少女因等待而感傷﹐你在捷運車廂望著窗外朗朗陽光﹐對著窗外的行人路樹流淚。
少女不喜肉體﹐你只好放棄生兒育女﹐任憑自己雨夜之中四年男女之事而輕輕嘆息。
都是少女搞的鬼。要不是她﹐你的人生不會像列不靠站的公車﹐行經一路變成大人的站牌卻從不下車﹐為了守住一個不會來的未來而一事無成。
有好幾次我只想長大。
夜裡我捧著麵碗對著電視機﹐看著看著突然嚎咷大哭﹐死命捶打胸部。咒罵著少女﹕「滾!快滾!滾出去!」
我覺得﹐少女再不走﹐我就活不下去了。
少女消失了﹐第二天她又回來﹐幽幽地看著我。
我沒說話﹐靜靜地將少女吃下去﹐塞回胸腔。
沒有了你﹐我活著又是為了什麼呢﹖
少女善于等待。
然而愛米莉至此還是一滴眼淚也沒有流。回市裡的一路上﹐她都感到心神不安。在車上﹐她把一只手墊在自己的臉部和大轎車冷冷的、顫動著的車窗之間﹐那樣似乎有點用。她試過跟自己低聲說“爸爸”試過閉上眼睛想像他的臉﹐但是都不管用。然後她想到一件事讓她的喉嚨發緊﹕她也許不是爸爸的寶貝﹐可是她一直叫她“小兔子”。這時她不費事就哭了起來﹐讓媽媽伸手過來揣緊了她的手﹐唯一的麻煩﹐是她拿不準自己是為了爸爸而哭﹐還是為了沃倫馬多克或是馬多克斯而哭﹐他現在回到了南卡羅萊納﹐正要被分配到某個師。
可是她意識到就連那也是謊話﹐她突然停止了哭泣﹕這些眼淚﹐就像她這一輩子裡一貫的情形﹐完全是為了自己而流 - 為了可憐而敏感的愛米莉格蘭姆斯﹐誰也不明白她﹐她也什麼事情都弄不明白。
2015/07/22
“可是等一下，” 她的姊姊和媽媽正在平靜下來時，愛米莉說，“厄普頓軍營只是個新兵中心，士兵在那兒只待幾天，就會去別的軍營接受基本訓練，然後他們被分配到哪個師裡。如果唐納德是一年前給你寫的信，他很可能現在已經到了國外。” 她本來想加上一句他甚至有可能已經死了，但又不想說得過份。
“喔？”薩拉說，“嗯，這我可不知道，但是無所謂啊。”
“喔，愛米，”普吉說，“別煞風景了。你的幽默感哪兒去了？” 她又重複了一遍那句妙語，“我敢打賭是唐納德 克萊昻。”
愛米莉不知道自己的幽默感哪兒去了，可她知道當時不在 － 那天下午晚一點在大屋那裡時也不在，那是她和普吉過去禮節性拜訪老威爾遜夫婦時，她想她是把自己的幽默感和所有別的重要方面都留在了校園。
－
後來的幾個星期、幾個月裡，愛米莉想到過很多義憤填膺、措詞得體的反駁話，本來可以在聽他那麼說了之後用上的；然而當時，她能說出口的，只是她從小就討厭自己愛用的那個軟弱而順從的小短語：“我明白了。”
只用兩天，霍華德就把他的東西從這裡搬走了。他對這一切感到很抱歉。只是有一次，他把像根分量重的絲繩的那束領帶從衣櫃裡拿走時，才總算出現了一幕，進而演變成可怕而不堪入目的一幕 － 最後她跪下來抱著他的腿哀求他，求他留下來 － 愛米莉盡了最大努力，想忘掉這一幕。
－
世界上還有比一個人待著更糟糕的事，她每天都對自己說，她有效率地做好上班準備、在鮑德溫廣告公司忍耐著度過八個鐘頭、熬過晚上的時間，直到能睡著覺。
...... 有一年時間，她在好像是無所謂地面對世界時，感受到了劇痛 － 幾乎成了快感。看看我吧，在艱苦的一天中間，她會對自己說，看著我吧，我活下來了，我在應付，一切在我控制之下。
Errol Morris
Modern forms of lie detection - methods that go beyond that polygraph. The writer's idea was that we can actually record activity inside the brain that proves who is or who isn't lying. It suggests that the brain is some kind of 'reality recorder' and that we know when we are lying. But I think those kinds of lies represent a very small piece of the pie. I think the larger sect of liars are people who think they are telling the truth, but who really have no idea what the truth is. So the deeper question is, what's more important: narrative consistency or truth? I think we are always trying to create a consistent narrative for ourselves. I think truth always akes a backseat to narrative. Truth has to sit at the back of the bus.
Most lying is just an accepted part of the world... if you don't want to know something, can you not know it? Can you convince yourself that you don't know it? Can you actually not know it, in some real sense? Can you form a barrier to knowing things?
I'm a great believer in self-deception. If you asked me what makes the world go round, I would say self-deception. Self-deception allows us to create a consistent narrative for ourselves that we actually believe. I'm not saying that the truth doesn't matter. It does. But self-deception is how we survive.
31
But it wasn't just a nice car, it was a Lexus. A Lexus. That's a specific kind of nice car. Everyone knows what owning a Lexus means. To Cobain, a lavender limousine would have been preferable to a Lexus, because at least that would have been gratuitous and silly. The limousine is awake of its excess; a Lexus is at easy with it. A Lexus is a car for a serious rich person. There are no ironic Lexus drivers, or even post-ironic Lexus drivers.
45
Although I'm not sure which one it's unfair to. I feel sorry for both of them. I can see it both ways. That's my problem.
145
Football allows the intellectual part of my brain to evolve, but it allows the emotional part to remain unchanged. It has a liberal cerebellum and a reactionary heart. And this is all I want from everything, all the time, always.
163
It will always seem stupid, because canned laughter represents the worst qualities of insecure people... Insecurity is part of being alive. But it's never less complicated than this. It's never less complicated than a machine that tries to make you feel like you're already enjoying something, simply because people you'll never meet were convinced to laugh at something else entirely.
52
當一場戰爭爆發時﹐人們都說﹕「這太愚蠢了﹐而且它也不會長久。」可是﹐一場戰爭可能「太愚蠢」﹐但這並不就能防止它的持續。愚蠢自有其大行其道的訣竅﹔如果我們能夠不太只顧自己的話﹐我們便能看出這一點。
59
格蘭充份流露著一個當地政府小僱員的外表特徵與定型姿態。他又高又瘦﹐看起來好像在他那身基於以為可以穿得久一點的幻想﹐而時常故意選大一號的衣服中失蹤了。.... 他具有微不足道的一切屬性。你只能想像他彎在一張辦公桌上﹐專心一志地修訂室內浴室的價目表﹐或者替某一位低級秘書整理關於垃圾清潔稅的報告資料﹔如果你要另作其他想像﹐實在相當費力。甚至在你知道他的職位以前﹐你也會有一種感覺 - 他只是為了執行每天薪水僅有六十二法郎三十生丁的臨時市政助理僱員那些奉命惟謹但又有其必要的工作而來到這個世界。
82
連續幾個星期中﹐我們無可奈何地把同樣的一封信一再從頭寫過﹐重提著那些零碎消息與個人願望﹔結果﹐經過一段時間以後﹐那些似乎曾經攙和著我們心血的活潑言詞﹐都涸竭了原有的意義。從這以後﹐我們只是機械性地重複抄寫它們﹐試圖透過這些死了的語辭﹐來對這場受罪考驗略微表達出一點概念。臨到末了﹐和這些毫無意思的重複獨白與徒然的面壁自語比較起來﹐就連電報那樣的平板公式﹐也變得聊勝一籌了。
146
世界上所有的惡﹐永遠都來自無知﹐而善意﹐加入缺乏理解的話﹐也會跟惡意一樣﹐造成同樣嚴重的損害。就整個而言﹐人是善多於惡的﹔但是﹐這不是真正的要點。他們多多少少有點無知﹐而這才是我們所謂的惡德或美德﹔最難矯正的惡德﹐就是那種自以為無所不知﹐因而自命具有生殺之權的無知。謀殺者的靈魂是盲目的﹔假若沒有最高度的「明辨」﹐就不可能有真正的善與愛。
179
「人正『是』一個觀念﹐一個寶貴的微小觀念﹐一旦他背棄了愛。並且我的看法﹔我們 - 人類 - 已經失去了愛的能力。醫生﹐我們必須面對這個事實。我們要耐心地等待﹐以求獲得那種能力﹐假若那真是我們力所不及的東西。讓我們等待各人遲早會來的那種拯救﹐而用不著扮演英雄角色。就我個人而言﹐我不向更遠的地方看。」
李爾站了起來﹐突然間﹐他顯得異常疲倦。
「你是對的﹐十分的對﹐我決不為了世界上任何東西而試圖說服你不做你所要做的事﹔我認為它絕對正確而適當。但是﹐有一件事我必須告訴你﹔在這一切當中﹐決無英雄主義可言。這只是一種普通的禮儀。這個觀念可能會使某些人發笑﹐然而唯一能夠反擊一場瘟疫的武器﹐就就只有 - 普通禮儀。 我不知道別人認為它是什麼意思。就我而言﹐它就存乎做我的本份工作。」
196
既無回憶﹐又無希望﹐他們只為此時而活著。一點不錯﹐「此時」與「此地」代表了一切。無可否認﹐瘟疫不僅殺死了我們大家心裡的愛意﹐甚至消滅了友情。這是很自然的﹐因為「愛」要求某種未來的東西﹐而我們除了一連串的「此刻」之外﹐一無所有。
55
If someone had come to me and asked me if I wished to be born I think I should have answered No. I'm sure I should have answered No. But no one asked me. I am here not throught my will. Most things that happen to me - they are not my will either. And so that's what I say to myself all the time: "You didn't ask to be born, you didn't make the world as it is, you didn't make yourself as you are. Why torment yourself? Why not take life just as it comes? You have the right to; you are not on of the guilty ones.
64
Well, what harm can he do to me? He is out for money and I haven't got any. I am invulnerable.
68
Yes, I'll have the sheets changed. I'll lie in bed all day, pull the curtains and shut the damned world out. ... There was a monsieur, but the monsieur has gone. There was more than one monsieur, but they have all gone. What an assortment! One of every kind...
75
At this moment a taxi draws up. Without a word he gets into it, bangs the door and drives off, leaving me standing there on the pavement.
And did I mind? Not at all, not at all. If you think I minded then you've never lived like that, plunged in a dream, when all the faces are masks and only the trees are alive and you can almost see the strings that are pulling the puppets. Close-up of human nature - isn't it worth something?
88
But this is my attitude to life. Please, please, monsieur et madame, mister, missis and miss, I am trying so hard to be like you. I know I don't succeed, but look how hard I try. Three hours to choose a hat; every morning an hour and a half trying to make myself look like everybody else. Every word I say has chains round its ankles; every thought I think is weighted with heavy weights.
108
But it wasn't all that that mattered. It wasn't that he knew so exactly when to be cruel, so exactly how to be kind. ... He had gone out to buy something to eat. I was behind the curtain and I saw him in the street below, standing by a lamp-post, looking up at our window, looking for me. He seemed very thin and small and I saw the expression on his face quite plainly. Anxious, he was... When I saw him looking up like that I knew that I loved him, and that it was for always. It was as if my heart turned over, and I knew that it was for always. It's a strange feeling - when you know quite certainly in yourself that something is for always. It's like what death must be.
9
"We have just landed upon the outpost of death. My soul is puking."
"Will you stop worrying about your soul?"
10
It opened to this tall slim delicate type, you smelled artistry all over him. You could see he had been born to Create, to Create grand things, totally unhindered, never bothered by such petty things as toothache, self-doubt, lousy luck. He was one of those who looked like a genius. I looked like a dishwasher so these types always pissed me just a bit.
23
"I probably would have lost anyhow. A gambler without an excuse is a gambler who can't continue."
26
I looked in the mirror. I liked myself but I didn't like myself in the mirror. I didn't look like that. I finished my drink.
39
LUKE
Isn't there another part of you somewhere?
YOUNG MAN
Well, shit. I was in the 6th grade, I think. The teacher asked us to write something about our most moving experience. And I don't mean like moving to Denver.
Anyhow, I wrote about this frog I found in the garden. He had one of his legs caught in a wire fence. He couldn't get away. I got his leg out of the wire fence but he still wouldn't move.
So I held him in my lap and talked to him. I told him that I was trapped, that my life was caught in something too. I talked to him for a long tmie. At last he hopped out of my lp and hopped across the lawn and vanished into some brush. And I said to myself that he was the first things that I had ever missed in my life.
The teacher read it to the class. Everybody cried. Well, I thought that some day I might be a writer.
120
"I want a castle, I want 6 children and a big fat wife. So when I lose at gambling somebody will take to me. Now when I lose at gambling nobody talks to me."
I wanted to suggest that when he lost at gambling maybe a fat wife and 6 chlidren might not talk to him either. But I didn't. Francois was suffering enough.
165
Sarah found people to talk to. She was lucky. Every time somebody spoke to me I felt like diving out a window or taking the elevator down. People just weren't interesting. Maybe they weren't supposed to be. But animals, birds, even insects were. I couldn't understand it.
232
Maybe they were waiting for me to get drunk and insane and abusive like I sometimes did at parties. But I doubted that. They were just dull inside. there was nothing for them to do bus stay within the self that was not quite there. That wasn't too painful. It was a soft place to be.
「或是我可以去學俄語或什麼﹐或是一種樂器。我可以說中文。我可以成為一個說中文吹黑管的劇作家。那會很酷。我應該剪短頭髮。別再誤導自己和身邊所有人認為我有滿頭秀髮。多可悲。真實點。自信。難道女人不就是被這個吸引嗎﹖男子以才為貌。才怪。尤其不是現在。男人身上的壓力幾乎和女人一樣重。為什麼有人讓我覺得我應該為我的存在感到歉意﹖或許不過是腦裡的化學作用。或許我的問題就出在那裡。不好的化學。我所有的問題和焦慮都不過是化學不平衡或是突觸的某些錯誤傳導。我需要尋求幫助。但我還是很醜。什麼也改變不了這個事實。」
《蘭花賊》
What if I learned Russian or something, or took up an instrument. I could speak Chinese. I’d be the screenwriter who speaks Chinese and plays the oboe. That would be cool. I should get my hair cut short. Stop trying to fool myself and everyone else into thinking I have a full head of hair. How pathetic is that. Just be real. Confident. Isn’t that what women are attracted to? Men don’t have to be attractive. But that’s not true. Especially these days. Almost as much pressure on men as there is on women these days. Why should I be made to feel I have to apologize for my existence? Maybe it’s my brain chemistry. Maybe that’s what’s wrong with me. Bad chemistry. All my problems and anxiety can be reduced to a chemical imbalance or some kind of misfiring synapses. I need to get help for that. But I’ll still be ugly though. Nothing’s going to change that.
9
Charles I'm so relaxed these days I'm hardly alive. Are you in therapy yet?
Julie Everybody talks about themselves enough as it is.
Charles That's because it's the one thing most people know anything about.
22
Julie Ah... You love the children.
Stephen Your anger is unbearable.
Julie You make me like this. You don't let me in.
Stephen You wouldn't like what you saw.
49
Sophie That's the mistake, though - thinking you can find everything there... Families, if you don't mind me saying so, are mental hospitals.
3
Beside my numerous contradictions - I am, I have been told, at least three different people - I am unstable, too, lost in myself, envious, and constantly in need of reassurance. My wife says that I have craziness, bewildering moods and "internal disappearances" I am not even aware of. I can go into the shower as one man and emerge as another, worse, one. My pupils enlarge, I move around obsessively, I yell and stamp my feet. A few words of criticism and I can bear a grudge for three days at a time, convinced she is plotting against me. None of this has diminished, despite years of self-analysis, therapy, and "writing as healing," as some of my students used to all the attempt to make art. Nothing has cured me of myself, of the self I cling to. If you asked me, I would probably say that my problems are myself; my life is my dilemmas. I'd better enjoy them, then.
55
How fidelity interferes with love, at times! What were refinement and the intellect compared to a sublime fuck?
69
It has, at least, become clear that it is our pleasure, rather than our addictions and vices, that are our greatest problems. Pleasure can change you in an instant; it can take you anywhere. If these gratifications were intoxicating and almost mystical in their intensity, I learned, when something stranger happened, that indulgence wasn't a full-time job and reality was a shore where dreams broke.
132
People either want eternal life or they want out right now.
149
I was a stranger on the earth, a nobody with nothing, belonging nowhere, a body alone, condemned to begin again, in the nightmare of eternal life.
Silence, like darkness, can be kind; it, too, is a language. Couples have good reason for not speaking.
Their reluctance to go to sleep I don't understand. For months the highlight of my day has been the anticipation of unconsciousness.
Ambition without imagination is always clumsy.
"But marriage is a battle, a terrible journey, a season in hell and a reason for living. You need to be equipped in all areas, not just the sexual."
"Yes," I said, dully. "I know."
Oh to be equipped in all areas.
No wonder everyone wants it - as if they have known such love before and can barely remember it, yet are compelled ever after to seek it as the single thing worth living for. Without love, most of life remains concealed. Nothing is as fascinating as love, unfortunately.
I know love is dark work; you have to get your hands dirty. If you hold back, nothing interesting happens. At the same time, you have to find the right distance between people. Too close, and they overwhelm you; too far and they abandon you.
She is of a disapproving generation of women. She thinks she's a feminist but she's just bad-tempered.
Suddenly I had the feeling that everything was as it should be and nothing could add to this happiness or contentment. This was all that there was, and all that could be. The best of everything had accumulated in this moment. It could only have been love.
That Was Then
On my school notebooks
On my desk and on the trees
On the powdery snow
I write your name
On the pages read
On all the blank pages
Stone, blood, paper or ash
I write your name
On the gilt imgaines
On the warriors' weapons
On the king's crown
I write your name
On the jungle and the desert
On the nests and the briers
On the echo of my youth
I write your name
On all my blue scarves
On the damp sunlit swamps
On the living moonlit lake
I write your name
On the fields, on the horizon
On the birds' wings
And on the shadowy mill
I write your name
On every daybreak breeze
On the sea, on the boats
On the demented peaks
I write your name
On the froth of the cloud
On the sweat of the storm
On the dense, flat rain
I write your name
On the scintillating forms
On the colorful bells
On the physical truth
I write your name
On the elevated paths
On the deployed roads
On the overcrowded city square
I write your name
On the lit lamp
On the spent lamp
On my reunited reasonings
I write your name
On the bisected fruit
Of my mirror and my room
On my bed, my empty shell
I write your name
On my dog, sweet gourmand
On his piqued ears
On his blundering paws
I write your name
On the latch of my door
On those familiar objects
On the torrent of a bonfire
I write your name
On all comfortable flesh
On the foreheads of my friends
On all outstretched hands
I write your name
On the windowpane of surprises
On the expectant lips
Far deeper than silence
I write your name
On my ruiined hiding-places
On my sunken lighthouses
On my walls and my boredom
I write your name
On absence without desire
On naked solitude
On death's march
I write your name
And by the power of a word
I regain my life
I was born to know you
To name you
Liberty.
...
it's not the fucking and sucking
alone that reaches into a man
and softens him, it's the extras,
it's all the extras.
去什麼地方呢？這麼晚了，
美麗的火車，孤獨的火車？
淒苦是你汽笛的聲音，
令人記起了許多事情。
為什麼我不該揮動手巾呢？
乘客多少都跟我有親。
去吧，但願你一路平安，
橋都堅固，隧道都光明。
我所住的公寓還算寬敞﹐以帕勒摩來說算是舒服好住的地方﹐然而一整天車輛噪音還是很嚴重﹐頭都有點痛起來。尤其半夜更嚴重。巡邏警車或救護車發出叭咘叭咘的聲音在路上疾駛。機車經常嘰咿咿咿地緊急剎車。車上裝的防盜器遇到什麼狀況就發出嗶-嗶-嗶-嗶大音量的聲響。被雙排停車出不來的車子主人則叭----、叭----------﹐按兩百次左右的喇叭。這種情況大多一直延續到半夜三點為止。從靜悄悄的米克諾斯忽然來到這樣的地方﹐簡直是地獄。杜斯妥也夫斯基雖然暗示過有別種內省性的地獄村子﹐但對我來說﹐這種程度的地獄就已經很夠受了。
在西西里印象最深刻的事﹐再怎麼說還是吃的東西。話雖然如此﹐但在米其林旅遊書上所記載的有星號的餐廳倒不見得特別美味。我也試著去了幾家那樣的餐廳﹐很多卻讓我不敢苟同(米其林傾向於比較會推薦菜無懈可擊的店﹐我覺得在這層意義上好像無法對意大利菜的美好價值和勁道給予適當評價)。說起來﹐我覺得在西西里﹐與其無懈可擊的菜﹐不如“會出差錯的菜”還比較美味。就像歌劇一樣﹐雖然多少粗曠一些﹐但還是有氣勢的應該會比較適合西西里這裡的風土。在這層意義上﹐心血來潮地隨意走進街上的一家餐廳﹐好像還很能遇到讓你欣賞的好菜。當然有時也會吃到很糟糕的。
*
寫長篇小說﹐我想對我來說是一件非常特殊的行為。不管在任何意義上﹐都不能成為日常行為。如果要勉強舉例的話﹐就像是一個人獨自走進深深的森林裡去一樣。既沒帶地圖﹐也沒有羅盤﹐連食物都沒帶。樹木像牆壁般密生著﹐巨大的枝幹重重疊疊遮蔽了天空。裡頭到底生息著怎麼樣的動物﹐我也不清楚。
因此在寫長篇小說時﹐我每次都在腦子裡某個地方想著死這件事。
*
如果把這包著金箔扭曲變形的疑似階級社會叫做雅痞社會的話﹐或許日本社會現在正在確實在追求這樣的方向。在某一本雜誌裡的某一個女孩這樣說。我只想和開BMW700系列的男孩子約會﹐500或300系列的太窮我討厭。剛開始﹐我還以為那只是俏皮的玩笑。或是某種隱藏著雙重意思的複雜訊息。但那既不是玩笑也不是訊息。而是真正不假的本意。她們是認真坦白這樣說的。我想說﹐喂﹐那只不過是車子啊﹐只要方向盤一個偏差﹐就會撞上電線桿變成一堆廢物的東西而已。不過對她們來說那不是什麼東西。那是可以明確定位(pinpoint)出她們存在位置的重要共同幻想。
我當然不能笑這個。我往後還必須在這塊土地上﹐揹負著身為一個作家﹐身為一個人的責任繼續活下去。那是首要問題。而我連自己在這裡有什麼發言資格都還無法判斷。我連該笑什麼都還不知道。
*
有些喜悅是唯有精疲力竭之後才能夠獲得的。這是我繼續旅行所得到的真理。
憨第德
- 那麼﹐真的是你了﹐憨第德說﹐你還活著﹐我在葡萄牙又找到了你。那麼你沒有被強暴﹖你的肚子沒有被豁開 - 就像哲學家潘格羅斯確確實實向我講的﹖
- 哦﹐有哇!可愛的克妮岡蒂這樣說﹐但是這兩件事也並不總是叫人會死。
-你來過法蘭西嗎﹖馬丁先生﹖憨第德問。
-來過﹐馬丁說﹐我走過幾個省。有些地方的人是瘋子﹐有些地方的人又太狡猾﹐還有的地方的人太溫吞﹐另有些地方則太喜歡耍弄小聰明了些﹔但不管什麼地方﹐主要打發時間的方法都是一樣﹕第一是談情說愛﹐第二是造謠生事﹐第三是說一些蠢話。
-完全對﹐潘格羅斯說﹔因為人被放到伊甸園的似乎﹐是 ut operaretur eum(為了工作的)﹐因此他必須工作﹔這證明人不是生來悠悠度日的。
-讓我們不要空談空想﹐老老實實的工作吧馬丁說﹔這是唯一使生活可以忍受的辦法。
... -說得好﹐我們必須耕種我們的園子。
沙地克
"終於我快樂了!“沙地克說。但是他錯了。
不斷的享樂就不是享樂。
... 但並沒有所謂偶然這回事﹔一切都是試探﹐或懲戒﹐或報償﹐或預支。
麥克羅梅嘉斯
當我們這兩位哲學家已經準備好數學儀器﹐就要昇入土星上空的時候﹐那聽說他們就要離開的土星人的情婦卻揮淚而來。她是個漂漂亮亮的小黑女﹐只有六百六十噚高﹔但是她用了許多迷人之處來彌補她的矮小身材。”噢!沒心肝的人“她叫道﹐”我抗拒了一千五百年才開始投降﹐但我只在你懷抱裡過了一百年﹐你卻要把我遺棄﹐跟另一個世界來的巨人去旅行。去吧!你從來就沒有誠意﹐你對我們女人只是喜歡調戲調戲而已﹐你從來就沒有愛過我﹔如果你是個真正的土星人﹐你就該對我忠實。你們要到哪裡去閒蕩﹖你要我什麼﹖我們的五個月亮也比不上你這樣喜歡東奔西跑﹐我們的環帶也不如你善變。有一件事是定了的!我絕不會再愛別人。
那哲學家問她﹐跟她一同揮淚﹔然而他畢竟是哲學家﹐而那女方呢﹖在暈過之後﹐去找了一位當地的紈絝子尋求慰藉了。
都是什麼人在這個時候坐公車﹖車上混合著酒精 香煙 大麻和更不可思議的氣味。剛上車的年輕女子遇見了熟面孔﹐兩人打著千篇一律的招呼﹐隨即又聽她歡呼起來“快快快﹐大錢﹐大錢﹐大錢...... 嘿!!!”她瞪著手機﹐喜不自勝的和剛剛打過招呼的男人說“啊哈!我贏了三塊﹐三塊!”男人定著海獅一樣巨大的臉﹐低沉地回﹐“那很好。”她拍子凌亂地疊著話﹐“三塊﹐很快就是三千塊﹐然後是什麼﹐是六千﹐六十千﹐六百萬﹐唉嘿!”海獅聲調一樣“六十百萬。”女子興奮了“六十百萬!!!啊哈!你不該再哈草了﹐哈哈!”像是她剛剛的推論就十分合理一樣。
發放免費報紙的女子走上前和司機說話﹐司機看也沒看她徑自說“你想就放一些在車上吧。”女子放下了報紙﹐嘴裡一邊討好著快速說著“這麼帥的司機真讓人分心啊!”﹐對話順序似乎錯了﹐兩人都不關心﹐她砰砰砰地跳下車去了。高壯的黑人男子一身昂貴的休閒衣﹐牛仔褲﹐耳朵裡塞著小白耳機﹐盯著手上的黑莓打字﹐這是要去做交易的。亞洲男子在這樣的雨天也戴著墨鏡﹐手裡勾著幾個白色塑膠袋﹐膝上還放著一巷泡面﹐這是要回家的。一群孩子推扯嚷嚷著下了車﹐這是剛下了課不知社會慘痛的。一再也看不出年紀的女子坐在電動輪椅上﹐後面吊著的粉藍色粉紅色玩偶全淋濕 - 這是我怎麼也讀不出來的。
無論他如何嘗試﹐那記憶一天比一天遙遠。他習慣閉上眼睛在心裡一次次復習一條一條街﹐兩個人經歷過的一舉一動﹐怕忘記又怕自己編造。時間是成形的固體﹐可以感覺一天天清楚地隔在他們中間﹐兩個人都覺得得提高聲調對方才會聽到﹐說什麼都像叫罵。於是也真的吵了幾架。誰也聽不懂誰在講什麼。維根斯坦的游戲竟然有這麼多玩法。每次對話結束都像痛揍了一團棉花﹐無故的疲倦﹐毫無效果 - 除了又忘記對方的表情一點。發現的時候已經面目模糊﹐雖然他不願想不敢講。他知道她正在忘記他像他忘記她一樣。問題是她永遠不 一 定 要到任何地方。
晚餐她烤了一條鱸魚﹔它們所存活的社會讓他們能在食物所需方面﹐比基本的需求還多了一點奢侈﹔因此他們也能試著活得好一點﹔問題只是他們已經沒什麼慾望想活得好一點了。他對她心存同情﹐因為她內心有那麼大量慷慨的愛﹐卻被生命全蹧蹋了﹔他對她心存同情﹐這也是他唯一還能感受到的人類的情感。除此之外﹐他的身體完全封凍﹐確確實實﹐他再也沒有愛的能力了。
回到巴黎﹐他們經歷了一些快樂的時光﹐就像香水廣告裡看到的畫面(一起走下蒙馬特的階梯﹔或是在藝術橋上擁抱著一動也不動﹐塞納河上轉彎的蒼蠅游船燈光照在他們身影上)。他們有時週日下午拌拌嘴﹐一片寂靜中他們的身體捲縮在床單下﹐安靜無聊的海灘上生命好像終結了。安娜貝爾的套房相當陰暗﹐下午四點就得開燈。他們有時候很悲傷﹐但更多時候是很嚴肅﹐他們兩個都很清楚他們現在經歷的﹐是最後一次與人發生的關係﹐這個感覺讓他們活的每一分鐘都像帶著痛楚。他們對彼此都非常尊重﹐都對對方無限憐憫。有時候﹐好像出現神奇恩典一般﹐他們經歷陽光燦爛﹐空氣清新的時刻﹐但大部份時刻他們覺得一個灰色的陰影籠罩著他們﹐籠罩著他們生活的世界﹐他們好像已經看見盡頭。
*
和她的這一段情﹐是他一生中從沒有過的美好時光﹐是一段重要而且嚴肅的人生。至少這是他有時看著她穿衣服或是在廚房裡忙碌時所想的﹔但是更多時候﹐星期當中她不在身邊的時候﹐他預感這只是個惡作劇﹐他生命中最後一個惡劣的大玩笑。我們最大的不幸﹐通常就是在最接近幸福的那一刻﹐面臨它的破滅的那一刻。
我眼前又出現我父親臥床的場景，突然頹喪萎靡—像他這樣活躍的人，真觸目驚心；那些登山好友圍繞床前，手足無措，無從抵抗。有一次他跟我解釋：他之所以這麼熱愛運動，是為了讓自己腦袋一片空白，不再思考。他做到了：我相信他這輩子是真的沒有面對到生命真實的疑問。
我的身份就是幾張資料，放在一個尋常的文件夾裡。每個個體都是獨一無二的、具有無可取代的獨特性真是個謬誤，就拿我來說吧，我察覺不出自己身上任何一丁點獨特性。我們奮力想分辨出個人的命運、個性，通常是徒勞的；歸結來說，人類個體獨特性只不過是個荒謬的假想。叔本華曾經寫過這麼一句：我們對自己生命的記憶，只不過比當年看過的小說記憶來得鮮明一點點而已。沒錯，就是這樣：多一點點而已。
性器官是存在的，是伸手可得、無盡歡愉的泉源。上帝創造人類的不幸，把人注定成過客，走這虛無一遭，面對殘酷結果，也好歹給了我們這一點卑微的補償。倘若沒有偶得的性歡愉，生命還剩下什麼呢？一場面對關節變硬、齒牙衰敗的無謂對抗，說的更無趣一點，就是膠原組織硬化、微生物在齒槽的蛀食。
做愛時，人不可能不做某些程度的放任，不可能不接受暫時的、某種方式的依賴和示弱。感情的興奮和性的縈繞來自於同一個根源，兩者都是部分地忘卻自我；而在這個層面，或多或少會讓自己迷失。我們已經變得冷漠、理性至上、極端意識到個人的存在與權益；我們最希望的就是避免任何失控、依賴的情況。
老實說我也不敢殺雞，但是殺一個人，好像簡單多了。
不是我奇怪，是我周圍的人奇怪。難道你真的想買一輛法拉利？一棟在多維拉海邊的周末度假屋—而且遲早會被闖空門偷光？每個星期工作九十個鐘頭直到六十歲？一半的薪水拿去繳稅，拿去支援科索沃軍事行動或是郊區重整計劃？我們在這裡很好，所有生活所需都有。西方社會唯一能提供的，就是名牌；如果你相信名牌，那就只好留在西方，要不然，仿冒品牌商品好得不得了。
他在說這些話的時候同時在做什麼﹖他走下樓﹐聽另一個女子說話。他看著眼前稱讚咖啡杯的她﹐紅色骨瓷雕金花 - 他腦裡根本沒這些辭彙﹐她也沒有 - 這真好看﹐我也想要有一套。應是這樣講的。他看著她﹐想到別人。“別人”的眼神像一口井﹐心也是﹐費力也看不出深淺﹐只有石油一樣泛光的表面。
和那口井一對照﹐只有他和井的那個世界﹐身邊一切驟然落色﹐無味。咖啡喝上去像液體的紙﹐一切沒有色彩﹐層層灰的景色往外淡出。
「你的世界有光﹐有星辰﹐」井說。「但誰也贏不了黑洞。」
他心一緊。恨不得拿出全副精力往井裡探﹐滅頂就滅頂﹐恨不得還能毀壞什麼。面前她神色生動﹐像一生都在同一棵樹上的小動物﹐她說著很多很多﹐他想﹐我都知道。這裡有什麼他不知道的﹖她身邊的一切全不費功夫﹐像他身邊一切一樣。吃吧﹐喝吧﹐笑吧﹐說話﹔他告訴井這就是一切﹐井不說話﹐但他清楚聽見了﹕這一切都是假裝。
What did I get from Simon? An education - the thing my parents always wanted me to have. I learned a lot in my two years with Simon. I learned about expensive restaurants and luxury hotels and foreign travel, I learned about antiques and Bergman films and classical music. All this was useful when I went to Oxford - I could read a menu, I could recognise a fingerbowl, I could follow an opera, I was not a complete hick. But actually there was a much bigger bonus than that. My experience with Simon entirely cured my craving for sophistication. By the time I got to Oxford, I wanted nothing more than to meet kind, decent, straightforward boys my own age, no matter if they were gauche or virgins. I would marry one eventually and stay married all my life and for that, I suppose, I have Simon to thank.
But there were other lessons Simon taught me that I regret learning. I learned not to trust people; I learned not to believe what they say but to watch what they do; I learned to suspect that anyone and everyone is capable of "living a lie". I came to believe that other people - even when you think you know them well - are ultimately unknowable. Learning all this was a good basis for my subsequent career as an interviewer, but not, I think, for life. It made me too wary, too cautious, too ungiving. I was damaged by my education.
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Whenever he feel mad, he whisper to himself: indifferent.
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他說完了﹐笑的很開心。一邊叉起另一塊肉送進嘴裡﹐很愉快的樣子。
她看著他。他似乎不很在意她的反應﹐自顧自吃著。她禮貌的微笑。低下頭正想想些什麼﹐只想到自己也31了。明白告訴自己“再聰明的人也難免有說出蠢話的時候”。
然後﹐她抬頭﹐對他微笑。
On Maldive Bureaucracy:
有關馬爾地夫的官僚主義﹕
On our way out, he hands us a set of his business cards, allowing us to flash them at anyone who might cause us trouble on our peregrinations around his heavily policed island fiefdom. Unsure of how to pitch my gratitude, I suggest we have tea the next time he is in London.
我們正要告退﹐他拿出一疊名片給我們﹐表示在這警衛森嚴的島上要是有誰給我們麻煩﹐就出示他的名片來解決困難。不知該如何展現我的感謝﹐我建議他下次來倫敦時一起吃個下午茶。
On a tall and bearded Career Counsellor who looked as if he could wrestle a wolf to the ground, but (his) physical might belied the patient manner of a priest:
有關一個高壯滿臉鬍渣﹐看上去能赤手屠狼﹐卻謙和如神父的就業輔導師﹕
so kindly were his eyes, he seemed like someone who would be open to confessions of the most unusual sort. Not even the most extreme quirk of the mind appeared liable to surprise him or elicit humiliating judgement. I harbared a confused wish for him to be my father.
他的眼神如此溫柔﹐像是能接受任何違背倫常的告解。就算是最極端最奇異的思想也不會令他驚訝、或發出傷人的評論。我開始有些混亂地渴望他成為我的父親。
On Interview with CEO:
有關訪問總裁﹕
After twenty minute of this, I am tempted to ask when he was last troubled by his bowels in a meeting. But perhaps he speaks like this not so much because he wishes to keep secrets as because years of circumnavigating the earth, breathing conditioned air and headlining conferences, have hollowed out his personality. It may have been a decade since he was left alone in a room with nothing to do. I feel my boredom turn to pity for someone who one might otherwise imagine had precious little to be pitied for.
在這樣二十分鐘的問答後﹐我開始有種衝突想問他最後一次在開會的時候肚子痛是什麼時候。我想他這樣說話並不是因為他想保有什麼秘密﹐而是這些年的環球旅程﹐呼吸空調裡吹出來的空氣﹐在講座裡開場的所有經驗﹐慢慢地挖空了他真正的個性。或許他已經許久不曾一個人在房間裡無事可做。我感到我的無聊漸漸地變成了同情﹐同情這個誰也不認為有什麼需要同情的人。
On Accountant after work:
會計師下班後﹕
For this particular combination of tiredness and nervous energy, the sole workable solution is wine. Office civilisation could not be feasible without the hard take-offs and landings effected by coffee and alcohol. The final approach will be made under the benign guidance of a Chilean Cabernet and the hypnotic, entirely untroubling retelling of the day's misdemeanours and cataclysms on the evening news.
對這種揉合疲倦和緊張的壓力來說﹐唯一的解決方法便是酒。辦公室文明之所以存在﹐無非是靠著咖啡和酒精促成的起飛和著陸。最後﹐智利紅酒會溫和地帶領著我們聆聽晚間新聞﹐催眠地、無慮地復述今日世界上的大小災難。
On Work:
有關工作﹕
If we could witness the eventual fate of every one of our projects, we would have no choice but to succumb to immediate paralysis... our work will at least have distructed us. it will have provided a perfect bubble in which to invest our hopes for perfection, it will have focused our immeasureable anxieties on a few relatively smallscale and achievable goals, it will have given us a sense of mastery, it will have made us respectably tired, it will have put food on the table. It will have kept us out of greater trouble.
如果我們能目睹手上所有項目的終極命運﹐我們只有立即麻痺了... 工作至少能讓我們分心﹐製造一個完美的泡泡﹐讓我們投資所有追求完美的希望。讓我們將所有難以算計的焦慮投注在一些小規模、可以達成的目標上﹐感覺我們能掌握什麼。讓我們疲倦得很驕傲。維持生計。工作讓我們避開其它更嚴重的憂慮。
The impulse to exaggerate the significance of what we are doing, far from being an intellectual error, is really life itself coursing through us... To see ourselves as the centre of the universe and the present time as the summit of history, to view our upcoming meeting as being of overwhelming significance, to neglect the lessons of cemeteries, to read only sparingly, to feel the pressure of deadlines, to snap at colleagues, to make our way through conference agendas marked '11:00 a.m. to 11:15 a.m.: coffee break', to behave heedlessly and greedily and then to combust in battle - maybe all of this, in the end, is working wisdom. It is paying death too much respect to prepare for it with sage prescriptions. Let it surprise us while we are shipping wood pulp across the Baltic Seas,... Let death find us as we are building up our matchstick protests against its waves.
那種對我們的工作舉輕若重的衝動﹐決非理解錯誤﹐而是生命本身與我們擦肩而過... 視我們自己為宇宙中心、視此時如歷史之巔、像再來的那個會議有多麼重要、忽略死亡所能教導我們的課題、少量並謹慎地閱讀、感覺作業期限逼近的壓力、對同事發飆、會一個又一個開過去、在記事本寫上“十一點到十一點十五分﹕咖啡休息時間。” 貪婪而自私﹐在爭鬥中燃燒 - 或許這一切﹐都是工作的意義。我們多麼尊重死亡﹐不惜以鼠尾當藥單。讓死亡給我們一個驚喜﹐在我們正運送木屑穿過波羅的海... ﹐讓死亡找到我們時﹐看見我們正努力拼湊火柴棒以抵擋它的巨浪。
Litost 是一種陷人於苦惱的狀態，它誕生於我們自身悲慘遭遇突然被揭露的真實現場。
“我知道你很悲傷”年輕人接著說。
雖然年輕人注意到這一點，但塔米娜也沒有因此就被吸引。她知道，征服一個女人的方法很多，而要得到女人的身體，最妥當的辦法就是從她的悲傷下手。
她說得對，她的生命只維繫在一條細如蛛網的絲線上。 只消一陣微不足道的輕風撫過，食物的變動雖微乎其微，但一秒鐘前我們還當一回事的生命，卻會突然變成沒有意義的東西，裡面空無一物。
